Sunday, November 20, 2005

Oral Sex Advice

Even though you feel you're not too bad at something, it's sometimes good to read up a bit or check how others do the same thing, just in case you've gotten lazy or there have been new developments in your particular field of interest.

I recently came across some advice on cunnilingus in The Vice Guide To Sex And Drugs And Rock And Roll written by the gifted Gavin McInnes, which I feel has enhanced my oral sex skills enormously. I hope these tips help you too.

Amongst other things, Gavin advises that, "Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you're tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who's boss.

"After all, Mr Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He's surrounded by labia and even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life."

See? I feel better already; personifying the little guy has got to help. Gavin goes on to talk about two clit types, one being clits that need a serious going over. "These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right into your mouth.Now he's on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He's not going to tell you anything because he's a clit and he has no idea what you're talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag."

It can take a long time sometimes, and the you-killed-my-partner scenario is an excellent way to pass the time. Of course you can always throw in some cowboys and Indians too, with Gavin recommending, "To keep the rhythym going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya)."

When the fireworks are over, Gavin suggests that you come up for air and "wipe your face like a pirate."

I dunno - cops, baddies, Indians and pirates... I didn't reallise chewing snooch could be this much fun.

Thank you Gavin McInnes, you funny, funny bastard.

2 comments:

Susie said...

Can't quite figure out how this story manages to be very erotic without being pornographic.

Quick said...

Susie, that is about the last comment I expected to read about this post. I think it must be all the talk about bad cops and bad guys and pirates etc. You want a bad boy, and you want him real bad...