Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Nicked

Not in a happy mood but the editor of Tsunami mag said my Grumpy column is due, so I sat down to write something funny. This is the next column...


Grumpy

I wake up with a morning erection. Little Grumpy is all, “Oi. OI! Me. Look at me. Down here. How cute am I? Woohoo. Wooooo – hoooo... play with me. Play with me! Goddamnit! Don’t rub your eyes and yawn – rub me! Hey! HEY! Ooh – look she’s almost awake. Wake her up. Go on. Stop being such a fag. Just make sure she’s almost awake and point me in the right direction and leave the rest to me... what are you doing? Getting up? You’re getting out of bed? Ah screw you.”

I try not to be disturbed by the fact that Little Grumpy sounds like Cartman. I go to the bathroom. I turn the shower on. Little Grumpy and I step into the steaming shower.

“Ooh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh boy this is good, isn’t it? Ya know what? Grab the soap. Gimme some soap. Lather me up. GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN SOAP GODDAMNIT!”

I ignore him. Sometimes he really gives me the shits. Sometimes I don’t talk to him all day. Really upsets him but I have to be strong. I am my own man, you see.

I put shaving gel on my face. I lather my face. I start to shave. I scrape. I sluice. I flick the excess water deftly from the razor and –

“JEEEEESUS CHEEEERIIIIIST! You mother fucker! You crazy mother fucker! What the hell did you do that for you crazy fuck! That really hurt.”

I look down. Little Grumpy – now sounding more like Joe Pesci than Cartman - appears to have sustained a considerable head wound. There is blood. Not a lot, but with the shower water it looks like that ear scene in Reservoir Dogs.

“Dumb motherfucking sonnofabitch...”

I don’t know why, exactly, but I suddenly find it quite amusing that I have just given my foul-mouthed willy quite a considerable thwack with a razor, and as I cup my hand over the rivulets of water and blood, I start to laugh. Just a big, silly, crazy giggle because you have to admit it’s a spectacularly retarded way to start the day.

Then the girlfriend walks into the bathroom. Me with razor in one hand, unlikely hostage in the other, blood, laughter... She backs out of the room like she’s just witnessed a real life version of the ear scene from Reservoir Dogs but with a wisecracking willy and a giggling psycho.

Weekend has to get better.

7 comments:

Quick said...

You know what you ought to do Quick my son? You ought to think about starting another blog. Have one serious one dedicated to your arty stuff and another separate one with this kind of stuff on it. Someone actually has you down on their links thing as a "literary" blog. Can you imagine what that could do to someone? They think there popping over to read about writing or theatre or whatever, and they get a charming story about a penis that swears like Joe Pesci and accidental self-mutilation. Not exactly literary.

Think about it, yes?

Mel said...

I don't know, just like the ear scene in R.Dogs, I howled with laughter. Just something about men slicing themselves or other men makes me giggle uncontrollably.
He's got quite a mouth on him, that Little Grumpy. Why is it that men name their appendages?
My boy calls his 'Little Brain' - more interesting is why would you want 'little' infront of something that is such a 'big' deal?
But i digress ..
Hope you heal soon, I'd recommend putting some balm on him but he'll just like that ... and we can't have him happy now, can we?

Kathryn said...

Oh dear. The silliness is spreading.

"Not exactly literary."

What's this? How is this not? It could be up there with the Bible, hey?

Or erm...I don't know. Hurrah for silly!

(psst. I need sleep.)

Quick said...

Hello Mel. Do you know how disturbing the opening part of your comment sounds?

And for the record... it's only for the sake of the column that I have given The Big Kahuna such a silly name.

Kathryn - there is nothing wrong with the spreading of silliness. Quite the opposite. As I am sure you are well aware.

Crap to that typo in my first comment to me. Why can't we edit comments?

Home Alone said...

Mission accomplished! I laughed out loud.

Johnny said...

I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and this foul-mouthed little grumpy prompted me to actually post a comment. Good stuff man! Thanks for the laugh.

Lee B. said...

Welcome Johnny. For a second there I thought you were going to rip into me. Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for the feedback.

Cheers,

The Blogger Formerly Known As Quick.