GRUMPY
Grumpy is freelance writer and really bad Kiwi impersonator Lee Bemrose (leebemrose666@gmail.com).
If you love a good, true stoner story as much as I do, read on.
A couple of weeks ago it was reported that a cannabis club in West Auckland, New Zealand, had come up with a great way of avoiding being closed down and the licensees being arrested again. The club – called The Daktory after the owner's name Daktor Green - had already been forced to close its door after being raided in 2011.
The cannabis club appeared to be somewhat tolerated as a venue where patrons could consume pot for “medicinal purposes”, but obviously boundaries had been pushed, arrests followed raids and the Daktory closed its doors as a cannabis club and became the headquarters of Norml, the National Organisation for the Reform of Marijuana Laws.
Recently, however, The Daktory reopened for business, with a particularly crafty way of protecting its purveyors of medicinal pot, and it's here that I will take a few modest Grumpy liberties whilst still delivering the facts of the story (apologies for the dodgy accent, eh bro)...
“Hey bro. I figured out a way to sell pot without the cops realising who is selling the pot.”
“Yeah bro?”
“Yeah bro. I was wuth the kuds at the shopping mall, and we spunt like hours man on one of those skull-tester things. You know those glass boxes with the fluffy toys and the luttle crane thung, and you have to puck up the fluffy toys wuth the crane... I could have spent all day watching the little crane thing eh bro, kind of moving across and pucking up the little fluffy heads... it was mesmirising as eh...”
Long pause.
“That's a very nice story bro, but is there any more to ut? You said you had a plan bro.”
“Ah shit bro, yeah, got side-tracked thunking about the luttle crane thing eh. So anyway, what I was thunking is we take all the fluffy toys out of the skull-tester, and we replace them with bags of mull. That way, the cops can't bust anyone for selling the pot. Smart plan eh bro.”
“Ut's almost smart, but have you ever actually managed to puck up a fluffy toy wuth the luttle crane thung? Ut would take us all year to get the toys out of there. And ut would cost us shutloads of coin.”
“Nah bro – I checked that out and there's a luttle door where they put the fluffy toys in the glass box, so we just hire the machine bro and make ut empty before we put the pot unside.”
“Really? A luttle door? That would speed the process up a but. But then... it's stull so hard to actually grab anything with that luttle crane thung. If it can't pick up a fluffy toy I'm not sure of our chances of pucking up bags of mull bro, eh.”
Long silence.
“But hey bro! I've got it. We can use your basic concept but wuth a vending machine instead of a skull-tester. Then the punters can just put their money un and out pops their pot bro.”
“Awesome idea bro. AND we can also put Tum-Tams and Wagon Wheels in there as well. Kull two birds wuth one stone bro, eh bro.”
“And Chokitos. I like Chokitos heaps eh.”
“Hmm. And no one gets busted dealing. Unless...”
“Unless what bro?”
“What uf the cops install undercover vending machines?”
End of dodgy New Zealand accent. Basically, the club did install pot-dispensing vending machines in an attempt to fool the police, but a week later arrests have been made and the club has been forced to close its doors again. Seems the cops weren't fooled. Whether that was a result of undercover vending machines is unknown.
