Cafe Dreams

We've been flogged at the cafe over the Christmas/New Year period. I feel properly exhausted, but I've been properly exhausted in the past working for absolute tools who don't appreciate good staff. Sometimes, the harder you work, the more these arseholes seem to despise you. Doesn't make sense.

So. Tired. So very tired. And scared, or nervous. Gertrude Street has a reputation. It's a pretty cool street with loads of very good cafes, bars and boutique designer shops, and we have opened a cafe with a very silly name on that street.

Around three months in, we're still nervous. We still have sleepless nights. We still wake up with lightning bolt ideas or flashbacks to moments where we fucked up. We still struggle with maintaining even temperaments. Money is the fucker it has always been. We still have a long way to go before we're going to feel like hey yeah, high five, we did it, good on us. We're a long way from there.

But right now I can't imagine us not trying to do it. Scary as it is right now, there's a secret little part of me that thinks that one day, we will be doing those high fives. Part of me thinks that we might just pull this thing off.

At the chaotic end of another chaotic day, another short review  of us (not from a friend) came up on Urbanspoon. This one said: "This cafe lives up to its name... Awesome! The wagyu beef burger is probably the best I've had...ever. The Tuscan pie, delicious. Just found my new regular haunt."

The Dreaded One is doing an awesome job. So is the rest of Team Awesome.

Time for me to go to sleep and dream more cafe dreams.

The Adventure So Far...

My varied and colourful life, so far, has lead me to this little place. It's a humble little place. It's a place run by two people who take pride in what they do and who try to do the hospitality thing to the best of their ability. The Dreaded One & I have always tried to make people happy when they are our guests in our home; we aim to do the same in this place.

Eight weeks after opening. Reflections? It's fucking hard. Almost 60 hours a week each, all staff and bills paid. I can see a day when we can pay ourselves a modest wage. That will be nice.

There are so many things I love about this image. I love that The Dreaded One & I have always done our thing without having to have asked for help. Never had a hand-out. It's always just been us, our hard work, our occasional fuck ups, us enjoying when we managed to make things go right. Thank you, universe, for giving us the ability to provide for ourselves.

I love that the name of the cafe started as a throwaway joke between friends and has now become a real thing. I love that this stupid name is pulling people in; today a group ordered their coffees, then said they saw the sign from across the road and just had to come in and say hello. I have seen lots of people on the street smile at the name.

I love that the person who designed the logo is someone I met soooo many years ago in my Sydney clubbing days. Lia was the coolest peson I had ever seen and was so yeah-no-she's-too-cool-for-someone-like-me-to-talk-to... but don't strangers so often turn out to be such like-minded people and occasionally friends?

I love that you can see Ann standing there, looking at me taking the photo. I love that you can see the very lovely Bianca deeper in the photo. We'll take a proper shot of Team Awesome soon. Bianca is lovely and is going sooner than hoped, but what a pleasant working relationship this has been. She's orright, is Bianca.

Also, the yellow smudge in the top right corner, just above Ann's head, that's Pigeon Christ. I love that he is there to look over us.

And I love going to work each day. Who's a lucky boy then?

On Being Awesome, and a thing about Kanye Motherfucking West

My free pouring latte art shows signs of improvement.

In other news, I am a fucking idiot. Yesterday The Dreaded One and I had our usual Sunday lunch indulgence. Just went to a cheap local seafood restaurant, shared a meal and a bottle of wine in the sunshine, then moved on to a favourite drinking hole, The Black Cat on Brunswick Street.

On a whim, I texted fellow Team Awesome member, Bianca to say that if she and her guy felt like joining us for a drink, it would be really nice. They agreed and joined us for a couple of quiet drinks. They seem really lovely and even invited us back to theirs for dinner. I think it's safe to say that we might become friendly as opposed to just work mates. As I've said, she is an absolute pleasure to work with and he seems cool too.

So why am I a fucking idiot? Well. We've been pulling pretty long weeks. More than 50 hours a week, six days of the week. I really start to feel it towards the end of the week, especially given that I'm not a massive sleeper anyway. Basically, I had to bail on dinner because the combination of feeling physically tired, drinking booze in the sunshine, and being a fucking idiot mean't I started to melt. I felt myself going downhill fast and knew I had to get home and flake out. I said goodbye to the others with The Dreaded One heading on for dinner.

I made it home and passed out immediately.

And slept through my alarm. I awoke with a jump and looked at my watch - 8.30? How the hell did that happen? We open the cafe at 7am. We are so late. And another thing - where was The Dreaded One? Either she had left without me, which was unlikely, or she had pulled an all nighter. On a Sunday? What was she thinking?

I got dressed in a hurry, grabbed my things, my laptop, and dashed out the door. No time for a tram, I'd have to catch a cab. I called The Dreaded One to find out what the hell she was playing at but no answer. I flagged a cab down and we headed off.

In the far off back waters of my mind, a couple of things occured to me: something was wrong with the light, like it was just too overcast or something; and there seemed to be more people out and about. Some of the cafes were packed for that time of the day, and even the pubs seemed full. What had gotten into people?
I got out of the cab, feeling a bit rough. I crossed the road and got my keys out. The place next door was full, which was weird because they normally aren't even open on Monday morning.

No. Actually, something is definitely not right. I stood outside the cafe holding my keys and looked around a bit more. So many people... the light was not increasing, the darkness was.

Because it was 8.30 at night. I'd only fallen asleep for a couple of hours. I think the owner of the restaurant next door saw me and probably wondered what the hell I was doing. Feeling like the idiot that I was, I flagged another cab and went back home.

Sheepish? Hell yeah.

Also, speaking of fucking idiots, here is my latest piece for Soot mag. It's about the biggest fucking idiot there ever was. And I feel I can say that with authority, given that I'm no slouch in the fucking idiot department.

Stalking The Customers (For A Good Cause)

A customer noticed my Santorini T shirt. We started talking about the Greek islands. Turns out she lives in Greece three months of the year and is buidling a place to live in there. She said she'd let me know when it's completed and I could come stay with her.

If she's never been stalked before...

Team Awesome

Three weeks or so into opening Grumpy & The Dreaded One's Little Cafe Of Awesome, I was not very happy with our first staff member. She was a good worker and made okay coffee, we just weren't a perfect fit. She constantly interrupted my dealings with customers, rearranged the service area to her liking from mine... I got the impression that she was one of those employees who thinks she knows so much more than her employers. You meet them all the time, and you always wonder if they're so switched on, why are they an ee and not an er.

Unfortunately it was early days so we probably did look a little like we didn't know what we were doing. I found myself wishing that we had had three or four weeks on the job before needing staff so that we had some idea of how things worked - when the busy times were, what patterns and procedures fell into place etc.

So I was quite okay when this person told us she was leaving to stay with her sick mother, a story I didn't fully believe for various reasons. The timing was perfect, because by this time The Dreaded One and I had more of an idea of what we were doing and what we expected from our workers.

A day later another of the many travellers looking for work came into the cafe. You can pick them immediately. They don't look at the menu, don't look around at the cafe, they just meet your eye and walk directly up to the counter. I could bet money on picking them and wouldn't lose a dollar.

Bianca was one such person. Resume looked fine, she had plenty of restaurant experience, she was Italian so of course she could do coffee. We settled on a trial shift the following Monday. I placed an ad just in case and was inundated with replies.

That first day was not good. Her English was fine but there were complications and misunderstandings. I had to do my job as well as make sure she was not stuffing up, taking incorrect orders etc. I was expecting pricing questions all day long but that was going to happen with any new worker. Her coffee skills were not as good as I'd hoped. It was a very stressful day and I didn't think it was going to work out after all. Never trust The Vibe.

It was only fair to give her another chance but I did tell her that she was not what I had hoped for and that I had wanted someone with stronger coffee skills. I said we would see how the rest of the week went.

The second day was no better. The third day... I didn't know why I was putting myself through this. I didn't let her do the coffee because it was easier and more reliable if I just did it all myself. One minute I'd decide that she had to go, the next I'd think there was improvement. And by improvement I just meant an easinig of stress. I knew she was intelligent, so soon questions about the menu and pricing and procedure would lessen.

I think it was the third day when I watched her serving a customer, both struggling with accents, that I decided on the spot. She was trying so hard to understand this weird Australian accent that was tinged slightly with irritation at not being understood, and I think I caught a glimpse of a good person. I knew then, right at that moment, that I was going to try to make this work. I knew then that I was going with The Vibe. I didn't quite know if I was making a mistake or not. I just knew that something about Bianca had won me over.

I'm happy to say, I did not make a mistake. I'm happy to say that The Vibe, in this case, nailed it. In a few short weeks Bianca has become the perfect worker I'd hoped she would be. She is an absolute pleasure to work with. She is gentle, intelligent, caring and has a lovely sense of humour. We share laughs during service and I frequently hear her and The Dreaded One laughing from the kitchen. Yesterday the three of us worked on a busy Saturday while the sun was shining, and I got the impression that all three of us were perfectly happy to be there.

The Dreaded One and I were in agreement without initially speaking about it; we didn't want to cross the line into socialising. I was burnt recently with getting too close to co-workers, so I wasn't going to risk that happening again, at least until I was sure things weren't going to go pear shaped.

Both of us are confident now. Both of us have nothing but praise for Bianca. Team Awesome right now is Grumpy, The Dreaded One, pastry chef Andrea, and Bianca. Right now it's all a perfect fit. She's a traveller and will move on in a few months, I guess, but for now I'm enjoying what must come close to the perfect work environment. Whether we become friends or not doesn't really matter, but it woudn't surprise me if we do become friends.

The cafe is doing okay. It's still a struggle. We are working hard, 50+ hours a week, but sales have gone steadily in the right direction each and every week. This is a good sign but we have a long way to go. But it's not all about money. We just need to get that covered; equally important is to enjoy what we're doing and to make sure we have people who enjoy being there, working with us, because I think that will attract customers who want to be there as well.

At least that's what The Vibe tells me.

More Mandelas, Please.

Dear Universe,

The Abbott hasn't been working out so well. We'd like to cancel the Abbotts and order more of the Mandelas. Can we please put in a bulk order for the Mandela in the next delivery?
Kind regards,

Humanity.

Passion in Grumpy & The Dreaded One's Little Cafe Of Awesome

No, this is not a story about how passionate The Dreaded One is about preparing good food, or a story about how passionately Grumpy loathes fern leaf latte art. It's a story (not so much of a story as a captured moment) of two of the most passionate customers we've ever had.

Sadly, they were not passionate about the food or the coffee. They were, however, very passionate about each other. Basically, they were the snoggingest couple I think I've ever seen They were at it for well over an hour. It could have been two hours, or maybe that was just because it felt like time had slowed. It was like they were 14 years old and had discovered that another person's tongue was the absolute coolest thing ever you could have in your mouth. It was blurring the lines between affection and canabalism. It was noisy, in a quietly wet and moany way.

They took short breaks from time to time to murmur and giggle quietly, then they went back at it. Their hand clasped each others head, fingers wound through hair in a way that reminded me of octopus tentacles, sucking and slurping...

For a long time, they were the only customers in the cafe, which made me feel pretty uncomfortable. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I went about doing stuff that had to be done because I didn't want to ruin the delusion they were both sharing that they were actually at home on their own. Then I thought fuck it and turned the music up to block out the wet sounds. Then, thinking about the music, I hoped like hell there was no Barry White on The Dreaded One's phone because that would definitely have pushed them over the edge.

Then I peered into the future and knew that I was going to write a blog post about it, because in all the five weeks of running the cafe I had never felt so awkward. It was pretty funny and definitely worth writing about, but I needed an image to go with it. I wanted an image of The Snoggers. But I couldn't just brazenly stand there in the open and take a shot of them because, well, that might appear a little bit pervy.

No. Much better to be secretive about it. Get the camera out, kneel down out of direct sight and aim the camera through the glass display cabinet and zoom in for a nice, intimate shot.

Whereupon The Dreaded One walked in just at the wrong moment and said, "Grumpy - what the hell are you doing?"

Okay, so that obviously didn't happen.

What did happen was this: I wrote a little sign saying Do Not Disturb. I hung it on the door, facing out, stepped outside, quietly closed the door and went for a nice little walk around the block because surely they couldn't still be at it when I got back.

Surely.

Latte Art At Grumpy & The Dreaded One's Little Cafe Of Awesome.

Me and latte art... not exactly a match made in heaven. This was my attempt at a heart. Words can't express my feelings when I saw what an epic fail this was. Don't get me wrong - my coffee - according to many, many volunteered and heartfelt comments from customers - tastes mighty fine. One even went so far as to say that she is always looking for the best coffee in Melbourne and that we are right up there. I don't think this could be possible, but certainly concensus is that Grumpy & The Dreaded One's Little Cafe Of Awesome serves a good cup of coffee.

What is also generally agreed upon is my breathtaking ineptitude when it comes to making simple shapes in the crema like fern leaves and hearts. Sometimes I have come so close that my heart almost stops just before it sinks when I see the result. Other times I manage to turn a heart into a fart.

Mostly I have abandoned the whole latte art thing. I still manage to get the contrast between the stretched milk (ooh look at me and my techie terms) and the crema to look delicious so long as I don't attempt to create a recogniseable shapes... unless those recogniseable shapes are buttocks, in which case my latte art is awesome.

Interestingly, not a single person has mentioned the lack of latte art. I think the average punter doesn't give a flying fern leaf about decorating their coffee. Amongst my friends I have had expressions of disdain; it's all wank, all that matters is the taste. But if we get a reviewer in I don't doubt they will mention that lack of latte art. This could work for us or against us.

In spite of this, I am enrolled in a latte art class. I think it's a silly trend but maybe if I nail the technique I can do interesting, fun things. I am not looking forward to it because I don't like classes, but it has to be done.

We're feeling good about the whole cafe project. We've only had great feedback about the food and the coffee and the general vibe of the place. People just seem to like it, whatever 'it' is. We're just gradually adding more stuff to give it character. It's a work in progress done on the cheap because that's all we can afford. But this is a good thing. Gradually, gradually.

This could be my signature latte art at Grumpy & The Dreaded One's Little Cafe Of Awesome. Not a bad likeness, huh?

What Made You Smile Today?

I smiled at the smile of an old lady who had that smile in the eyes, like inside, she was still young. She smiled and thanked me for making her coffee and serving her her muffin and her chocolate slice and her milkshake with added thickener to stop her brother (I'm assuming he was her brother) from choking. He was even older than she was. He shuffled about in one of those wheel zimmerframe things, and they spilled too many muffin crumbs on the table and were too far past their prime and she was too sweet for all the horribleness and sadness not too far ahead them.

But as she left, she smiled. A proper smile, in spite of everything. Wrinkles at the corners of the eyes, the whole smile deal, and that made me smile. It was a sad smile. It was a smile of gratitude. It was a smile that said, thank you.

Conversations At Grumpy& The Dreaded One's Little Cafe Of Awesome

Conversations with our customers. I suspect this will be an ongoing series.

Customer: Oh. You serve organic coffee.

Grumpy: Yes, we serve organic coffee.

Customer: Do you have any that's not organic?

Grumpy: No, but I'm sure I can find some chemical to add to it.

(Grumpy makes the large organic coffee with no added chemicals but with added soy).

Grumpy: That's four dollars please.

Customer: No extra for the soy?

Grumpy: No.

Customer: Oh. Cool.

Grumpy: It's because it's not actually soy.

The Dreaded One, from the ladder where she is adding wall decoration to the cafe's walls: We've got some really caustic chemicals out the back if you want some.

Customer, raising his coffee: No, I'll see how I go with this first.

I enjoyed this conversation a lot. Customer was a funny bastard. I'm enjoying getting to know many of our customers. I am frequently intrigued. Sometimes I make instant judgement which is quickly proven wrong, or right. Usually I care. Generally I want everyone to get what they want and to be happy and satisfied. And overall, this seems to be happening. I'm being bombarded by every kind of human in the cafe (including the occasional Dalek), but mostly it's okay. Mostly you humans are okay. Some of the old ones have already melted my heart (Where the fuck is this coming from? I am me! I don't have a melty heart!). And I have made a small child or two smile by being nice to them. (Where the fuck is this coming from? I am me etc).

And fuck me if I wasn't labeled a bastard during that stupid suspended coffee thing a while back because I thought it was more an internet phenomenon than a real thing. I was told I was a 'chode' or something because I thought it was a stupid idea. Thing is, I've served a spaced-out junkie his latte with three sugars when I should have thrown him out. I watched him walk out into the street and tip his coffee back and wished the fucker well, because he needs all the good wishes he can get.

And we have our regular recovering alcoholic hard case that comes in every day. Some days he has enough money to pay for his pot of tea, some days he doesn't. Some days he can afford the lamb casserole he likes so much, some days he can't afford all of it. He always gets his pot of tea and his hot meal, even if he can't afford it and might be bad for business with his air of hopelessness and fucked-upness. Ideallly I don't want him there, but he's okay, knows he should pay most times, and he's a broken human. How can you not give him his pot of tea and hot meal?

So yeah. I'm enjoying my conversations with the customers.

Getting To Nude You

We have our regulars at our new cafe. It's nice getting to know them, to hear about their lives.
One regular customer (large latte with half a sugar) comes in each morning and I ask about her day and her week and she tells me about her life with her husband and her grown daughters. She smiles a lot. She is lovely. I imagine she comes from the suburbs.

Today, I finished making her large latte with half a sugar, but she lingered, distracted, reading something. I saw that it was a Grumpy column at the back of the menus. She was smirking as she read.

She finished, we did the transaction and I asked, which one was it that you were reading? Turns out it was this one.

Then she smiled and confided, "I think I'm a bit of a closet nudist myself."

And with a small hand gesture that could have meant anything, she managed to scatter the things across the counter and upturn the tip jar, the contents of which clattered over glass and onto the floor and she tried unsuccessfully to gather everything and make time stop.

She apologised as she scooped the coins up from the floor and appeared a little flushed, and I felt like I was living a moment in a Richard Curtis movie.

Sorry, We're Closed

Time constraints time constraints,
Everyone trying so hard
So hard
To impress and make a mark
So keen to please and
Get ahead
And make a mark
And make an impression
And prove that they are so much better
Than the rest.

Show off your knowledge,
Display your wares
You're so fucking cool
And so much better than the rest,
You'll show how it's done.
This is how it's done,
Just watch me
Just look at me
Look at me
Look at me,
Look at me show my stuff.

When in fact it's the small smile of regret
The kind smile of gratitude
Of an old and weary traveller
Who sees a small gesture and responds,
That truly moves me
And reminds me
That it's not about pushing others aside
But letting them in.

Reasons I Don't Do Smalltalk

There are many. This is one of them.

Wednesday of the second week of running Grumpy & The Dreaded One's Little Cafe Of Awesome. A guy comes in just before closing and asks for a large latte. I remember him from last Wednesday and while I'm cleaning I ask him how his day has been. He says good, I just finished work and now I'm waiting for my person across the road because I do counselling here one day a week.

Across the road is a drug and alcohol rehab centre.

"Oh," I say, "Really? That must be interesting."

"Sorry?"

"Is that what you do for a living?"

"What?"

"Are you a counsellor?"

"No no -  I'm not a counsellor. I'm getting counselling."

On Writing For Free

This is probably it for me and writing. I've had enough. I've had enough of being asked to give my time, experience and - yes Goddamnit – my talent away for free. I've had enough of being told that my writing is valued, just not in a monetary sense. Enough is enough.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not one of those people driven solely by money. I actually loathe people obsessed with money. They bore me senseless. A friend recently asked me point blank how much money I make a year, and man did she cop an earful. She was almost dropped on the spot, because who fucking cares? Of all the stupid, pointless questions to ask someone... I believe you should respect what a person does (or not, in the case of advertising people, sales people, advertising gurus and criminal lawyers), not how much they earn.

But money is a necessary evil. Few of us have much choice but to work at a job we may or may not like but have to do each day to pay the bills. If you've got a job you love doing, you are one of the lucky ones. There are a lot of you around, but you're also pretty rare. I reckon 99% of the people you encounter during the day are just doing their job because it's all they can do. Except for the career drones mentioned above who are just leeches with money coursing through their veins.

People generally end up doing something that they have a little bit of aptitude for or something they have a bit of an interest in. Or maybe they don't have any interest in what they do for a living but they've somehow ended up there and what the hell, you have to do something. Gotta pay the bills somehow. And in any case, maybe driving a bus all day long is mind-numbing, but at least I don't have to deal with people and be nice to them. Or sure, dealing with idiots all day sucks the life out of me, but at least it's better than digging ditches. Or sure, digging ditches all day long is ruining my back, but at least working outside is better than working in an office. Or sure, crunching numbers all day long in front of a computer screen in an office is making me go slowly insane, but at least I can live with my conscience, unlike criminal defence lawyers. Or sure, defending criminals I know are guilty poses a few moral dilemmas and basically I am breathing scum, but fuck me the money is soooo good.

But at least all these people get paid for their efforts. Sometimes it's not a lot, but if it's not enough you work more hours or take on another job, you do whatever you have to do to make ends meet. Employers, generally, understand that they need an employee's efforts. They understand that the contract is basically swapping hours for dollars. They need your thinking or your hands, your time and effort and in return they give you the stuff you need to make the wheels turn.

So why... why do so many publishers expect writers to give their time and effort for free? Not just writers but most creatives are expected to donate for free because... well why? Why the fuck should we keep saying yeah sure, I'll do it for free because it will be good for my portfolio?

My portfolio is in reasonably healthy shape, so basically, fuck off. You want me to sit down and put time and effort and care into writing something that you need? Show me the money! I won't even ask a lot, but something would be nice.

I recently had a music mag approach me and tell me that they really like my writing and that they'd love to have me on board. Great, I said, what are your rates? Rates will be discussed after your first two on-spec articles. With new writers, they said, we ask that they contribute the first two stories for free, then if we take them on on a regular basis we discuss payment. It's kind of a probation period – if you don't stuff up the first two stories, then we can talk about payment.

The thing is, at times I've made my living from making words. I've interviewed countless performing artists. I've been doing this job for quite some time now. The chances of me stuffing up the first two stories is pretty damned slim. In fact, I told the music mag, how about this: I'll do the first two stories on spec, but if they are good enough for you to use, you pay me for them.

I haven't heard from the music mag since. Am I just being cynical in thinking that they get an awful lot of first two stories for free and don't follow up with ongoing stories for payment?

The same principle applies everywhere. As print media goes the way of dinosaurs, online mags are springing up every day with the promise of giving new writing talent the opportunity to be published. Just don't expect payment for it because the real pay-off is in “how good it's going to look in your portfolio.”

And they get away with it because new writers come along every day and go hey yeah, this will look good in my portfolio; finally I really am going to be a published writer.

I know online mags are start-ups and they have costs to meet which make budgets tight. But so does any small business. As we speak, I'm starting up a cafe. Can I ask any of my suppliers – the coffee guy or the milk guy - to donate their time and services because it will look good on their resume? Can I ask them to donate their time and money because they love what they are doing? The coffee guy might be passionate about his coffee but I still don't expect him to deliver it for free. Would I expect staff to work for free so they can get a foot in the door? It wouldn't occur to me to ask someone to work for free.

So why should writers write for free? Sure, for most writers it's in your blood. It's just what we do. We can't stop doing it. Best response to someone being asked why they write that I ever read was, why do you have dark hair? Some things just are.

But writing, it's still a thing of value, no matter how much it's a part of our nature or how much we love doing it. Online magazines may have budgets, but I bet they don't ask their other suppliers to work for free. I bet they pay their tech support. I bet they pay their rent. I bet they pay their fucking coffee guy.

Then why don't they pay their story suppliers? Magazines would be nothing without written contributions, so why do they expect written content to be delivered for free?

Furthermore, why do writers agree to this shitty contract? Just stop doing it. Stop bending over and taking it from behind. Tell them no, I am worth something. I care about what I do. Sometimes I care so much about what I am writing that I cry tears of blood. In my down times, I definitely care more about this copy than the cleaners care about cleaning your office, so if you pay them why don't you pay me?

The Keys To Our Cafe

It was weirdly sad picking up the keys to the cafe today. You could feel the emotions the owner was feeling. I had been thinking about how she must have had pride in her cafe, had believed that it was worth so much more and now was scrubbing and cleaning in preparation to leave. We hadn't purchased her goodwill, had not been interested in her recipes. Harsh facts in the real world but as bitchy as she was the other day when we visited with the health inspector, she's as human and vulnerable as the rest of us. Far from wanting to pop champagne corks, I wanted to hug her and say sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted. We didn't go in for the kill, we just did the figures and made an offer that we thought was balanced. It was a fraction of what the broker had set out with and initially didn't look at all viable. In the end, it was the only offer to make it through, and the owner probably fully believed we had gone in for the kill. Not so.

But that loss of her rundown, threadbare baby. The place... it really felt frozen in time. As though if you had walked through the door seven years ago when she took over, it would have been exactly the same. The pictures on the wall, the chipped crockery, the recipes... I'll bet nothing has changed.

For someone who had finally taken possession of the cafe they had been in talks about with for so many months, I felt pretty damned gloomy.

Then the broker walked in. All smiles and congratulations and this is so good - you got an amazing deal and where's the solicitor with my cut and you guys are going to kill it I can just tell. She congratulated us again and hugged and kissed us and all I could think is are you totally without a heart? Do you have to be like this here in the kitchen? In front of this poor woman? Does money mean absolutely everything to you? At least have the decency to leave this until we are outside away from this sadness, this palpable sense of loss.

I should be high-fiving the way the broker was. But I keep thinking about how the former owner and her family must feel right now. There will be celebration for The Dreaded One and me, just not right now.

The cafe had a wall full of black and white, Italian photos, and I had wanted to keep one of these amongst whatever we decorate the wall with, as a nod to the former owners. Then she was rude to us and I thought fuck that. And now I feel like this and wish I could have asked for just one of the pictures when the son said they would remove them all. I'd have happily left one there. But they are all gone.

Death Rides A Horse, Melbourne Fringe Festival 2013 Review

Death Rides A Horse - Rama Nicholas

Reviewed by Lee Bemrose

The title is taken from the 1967 Spaghetti Western by Sergio Leone and starring Lee Van Cleef, and while the feel of this one woman performance is loyal to that genre of film-making (just as cheesy but funnier), the story is only tenuously connected to the movie, if at all.

Writer and performer Rama Nicholas plays more than a dozen characters including Clixter the horse narrator, Catarina the heroine, flamenco hero and love interest Gus (I think this was his name... my note-taking-in-the-dark sucks), a villainous sheriff, a brothel madam and her entire whorehouse. There are many other minor characters too who get big laughs and are all, in their small way, a nod to the Spaghetti Western.

I have to admit that initially the cheesiness had me worried. It felt a little too flaky, like it was going to be an amateur performance that wasn't going to fly.

How wrong I was.

Less than 10 minutes into the show the audience is seduced by Nicholas' charm and gusto. Or perhaps it is the charm and gusto of the characters she plays. Catarina was orphaned at a young age and left on the doorstep of the whorehouse. The madam takes her in raises her, believing her to be destined for bigger things than whoredom. Indeed, Catarina wants to be the best darned cowgirl in the whole wide world, and when she is robbed of some racing prize money she teams up with the dancing Spaniard and they set off to Cancun on the Day Of The Dead (Death's day off) to put things right. She wants revenge on the sheriff, who killed her parents, and the Spaniard wants to kill Death for taking his young bride back in Barcelona.

It's pretty well a non-stop giggle fest of silliness and it's difficult to pick highlights. There are the girls in the whorehouse who sing of having dreams that never come true; the cross-country journey played out as a montage; our heroes' mishap with peyote; the dramatic shoot out; Death played as a music-hall song and dance man... it's all inventive, silly and played with obvious enjoyment.

And as playful as it all is, some of the songs and indeed the dialogue are a bit on the raunchy side. We are talking wild west whorehouse here and the play doesn't shy away from the nuts and bolts of how the girls make their living. The villainous sheriff even drops the C-bomb to hilarious effect (“Aw come on, I can say that - this is a fringe show!”). You'd have to be the prudiest prude to take offence.

Very funny stuff. Highly recommended.

At The Lithuanian Club, North Melbourne until September 27.

Stranger - Geraldine Quinn Review, 2013 Melbourne Fringe Festival

Stranger – Geraldine Quinn

Reviewed by Lee Bemrose

Geraldine Quinn's stranger is a not-of-this-world traveller trying to understand human nature. This stranger is a spandex-wearing, stage-strutting, “cluster-fuck of brilliance” and we are not worthy of her presence, and if she deigns to walk amongst us and try to understand us we should be awed and amazed and grateful. She is, perhaps, the lovechild of Ziggy Stardust and the Starman waiting in the sky, and she knows she's going to blow our mind.

The show is a fusion of traditional cabaret and observational stand-up comedy. That is, it is presented as cabaret with a mixture of monologue and song, but the material is, effectively, the stuff of the comedian outsider who doesn't quite get why we do what we do. Mostly this kind of humour points out our foibles in a way that makes us realise that yes, this thing is a foible; why the hell haven't I realised this before?

In this case the material reasonably funny without being on the hilarious level a stand-up needs it to be to succeed, given that they usually have monologue alone as their weapon. In analysing various aspects of being human - friendship, sex, love – Stranger doesn't exactly blow our minds. By the show's end this stranger comes to the conclusion that we are “mangled and marvellous”, which is the conclusion any of us will have come to if we have thought about the sprawling weirdness of humanity's achievements if we've given it all a few minutes of thought.

Having said that, the material doesn't have to be stand alone brilliant because it is delivered through clever song-writing which is in turn delivered via a sometimes powerhouse voice. And Quinn owns the stage with her commanding presence.

There are some fun devices such as the telepathy part where our starwoman doesn't realise she is thinking out loud. A funny touch which later leads to her flicking the switch so that she hears all of our thoughts. Where we have withered under her piercing gaze earlier in the show, she now crumbles under the weight of the cacophony of our desperate thoughts. This was a more poignant scene than some audience members might have realised, given that the voices we hear broadcast are actual confessions from real strangers like you and me, phoned in anonymously earlier in the year. Mangled and marvellous indeed.

In the end I enjoyed Stranger without being blown away by it. I didn't come away feeling enlightened by the observations made. I enjoyed the performance without getting the goosebumps you do at a truly extraordinary performance. I think I wanted the observations to be sharper, the humour to be funnier and the pathos to be more crushing.

And I had a very enthusiastic post-show discussion with my fellow Fringies who thought the show was sensational. Perhaps they are right; maybe I was just having a jaded-old-tosser night. You know you have those nights? Go see it, you'll probably love it as much as everyone else appears to... and feel free to tell me that yes, I was being a jaded old tosser.

Vladmir Is Welcomed To The Gang

As you may or may not know, I've been slowly losing the vision in my left eye for a few years now. It's pretty bad. I can see, but my central vision is so bad that if I look at your face through my left eye only, I probably won't recognise you. Your face will be a grey smudge. I can make things disappear by looking through my left eye only. Faces, objects,  some colours... they all disappear. I'm like some kind of visionary magician.

I've realised that my left eye is affecting my overall vision and that if I look through my right eye only, things are clearer. Solution? Eye patch.

Today after realising that I actually should experiment with an eye patch, after years of joking about eye patch wearers and going to fancy dress parties as a pirate, the conversation as we walked along Southbank went a little like it usually does.

"Yep," I announced after putting my hand over my left eye, "I think I definitely need to try wearing an eye patch."

"Really?"  The Dreaded One asked.

"Yeah. I might lose depth perception but that's happening anyway. At least when I look through my right eye only, everything is clear. Lines are straight."

"Okay. Maybe you should do it then."

"Hmm."

A long, thoughtful silence followed.

"Thing is, I'd look like a pretty scary fucker with an eye patch."

"Yes. Yes you would."

"So what's happening in my head right now... if I have this shaved-head-and-eye-patch thing going and someone started talking to me at a party and they asked me what my name is, I would say Vladmir. I am Vladmir Smirnoff, pronounced Shmeeeernoff. Said with an impressive Russian accent."

"Oh. Hello, Vladmir. So, like, what do you do?"

"I am an assassin."

"Oh really? Cool. I guess you must be a pretty hands on kind of assassin. Hand-to-hand stuff?"

"Why do you make this assumption?"

"Well you couldn't be a sniper, with the depth percetion stuff and everything."

"I will have you know that Vladmir Shmeernoff is the number one assasin at the Hit Or Miss Assassination Agency."

The Dreaded One took all of this in.

"So this is what happens when you talk about sorting out your eye sight. You have to invent a new character."

"Apparently. I think Grumpy, Black Rainbow, Bra Pee, Loose Cannon, Monterey Jack and Stagger Lee will welcome Vlad to the gang."

On Multi-tasking

Today I discovered that I can read, think about something completely unrelated to my reading material AND miss my tram stop all at the same time.

Multi-tasking like a boss.

A Small, Good Thing.

Woolworths on Smith Street, Collingwod. It's a magnet for dodgy fuckers. There is a colourful bunch of regular alcoholcs who spend a hell of a lot of time milling about in various states of intoxication. I'm sure deals are done on the rooftop carpark. The drunken abuse of innocent pedestrians is not uncommon, often because said pedestrian had the temerity to not have any spare change to give, sister. They are mostly harmlessly deranged by booze, although not long ago a nerdy lookin Asian guy focused on his phone was hit from behind, knocked to the ground and his phone was stolen. Pays to be aware.

Last night just as I walked through the front door a woman pushing a fully loaded shopping trolley ran into difficulty. One of the wheels locked up. She smiled to herself as she struggled, changed strategy, changed direction, thinking that if she tried hard enough the wheel would loosen up. But that trolley was going nowhere. The smile weakened, like come on, I don't need this.

"Excuse me," I said. "I think it has something to do with that yellow line you just crossed. It's a security device to lock up the trolley. You can't take them out of the store."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. Look. There's a sign there explaining it."

She read the sign, told me in what sounded like an Eastern European accent that she did not know. She thanked me. I said you're welcome and turned away.

Then thought: that was a pretty full trolley. What is she going to do?

I turned back just as she looked down at all those bags, and her shoulders drooped. However they say shit in Eastern Europe, I think that's what she was thinking. She hesitated and was obviously also thinking do I try to carry this all by myself? Do I leave half of it here and come back for the rest? It's been a long day, I really don't need this.

I asked her if she needed a hand

"I can help you carry your bags if you like. There's too much for you and you can't leave any of it here. It'll get stolen."

"Well... if you are able to..."

She really looked at me as she said this. Looked at my face. Looked into my eyes. Quick glance at the clothes. I knew what she was thinking.

"It's no problem at all."

"Okay. My car is just up the road a little."

She seemed tired. I think she was wondering is she had just done a stupid thing. Laden down, we walked up the hill, a kind of dark, uphill alley. I was torn between making small talk and remaining silent. I didn't want to make small talk because she might think I was going to hit on her. Remaining silent seemed kind of menacing. Still, I remained silent.

"This is our exercise for the night,"  she said in that cute accent.

"Cheaper than going to the gym," I replied.

We arrived at her car and she put her bags on the ground and didn't reach for her keys. Smart girl. Be wary because there are dodgy fuckers everywhere, and sometimes they don't look so dodgy. I didn't wait for her to unlock the car. I put her bags on the ground, told her to have a nice night, and I walked away.

"Thank you so much." Said with such gratitude.

"Absolutely not a problem." Said with a smile and no hint of menace.

I walked past her abandoned trolly stuck there like a bogged car, and I was glad that I walked by when I did. The timing was perfect. I was glad that I had turned back too in time to catch that drop of the shoulders.

And I was saddened by the fact that I felt I had to be quiet. Saddened by the fact that she was suspicious of my motives. Saddened by the fact that such suspicion is a necessary survival instinct. Saddened by the fact that such a small thing warranted such expression of gratitude.

Post title a nod to Raymond Carver.