Grumpy, The Universe And Everything.

Grumpy

I don't know whether it's a new thing or if I have just been made aware of it, but people seem to be getting into this ask The Universe thing quite a lot. You want something, you ask The Universe to give it to you and you visualise yourself having this thing. You don't apply for a job and then hope you are going to get it, you assume the job is already yours and The Universe will deliver. It's a nice belief, if hopelessly flawed; what if two people apply for the same job and both are into this ask The Universe thing?

I'm also reluctant to get into it because I've just come back from a trip around the world, and in the six months I was away nothing went wrong. No flight delays, no lost luggage, no illness, no natural disasters. Far from asking the universe for anything, I'm happy enough to just thank it for being so nice to me.

House-hunting has been a bit of a nightmare, though, and when finally The Dreaded One and I found a place that we really wanted, I thought maybe I would ask The Universe after all. This was a very nice apartment and we had already missed out on a couple due to a very competitive rental market.

Weirdly, there were signs that this might be our new home. In scouting around the area the first shop we came across was a doof shop, selling doof clothing, psychedelic artwork and music. As you may or may not know, I heart doof. In the music section I found a couple of psytrance albums by friends of mine, albums that I hadn't seen before, so I bought them. Playing in the shop was a familiar track by a producer called Lost Keys. Lost keys? Was The Universe telling us we had found the keys to our new home? And The Dreaded One pointed out that the name of the apartment block was Acacia Apartments. The Acacia plant is a rich source of, erm, vitamin DMT, which is one of my favourite vitamins. Maybe the universe was delivering. God bless you, Universe, you noble and generous great big thing.

We visualised and assumed, even if there was a niggly voice telling me it didn't really work like this.

The phone rang. It was another real estate agent returning our call to set up an inspection time for another apartment. Was this The Universe telling us not to get our hopes up? That all the signs for the place we really wanted were part of an elaborate joke? Fuck you, Universe, you hostile son of a bi-

The phone again. It was the good real estate agent telling us that our application had been approved. The place we wanted was ours. Seriously – it worked! We asked The Universe and it delivered. Holy shit. Magic happens. For real. Oh Universe you kind, wonderful great big thing.

We waited for two days for an email confirmation that was supposed to be sent immediately. Nothing. Universe you prick-teasing whore of a great big thing... no one likes a smart arsed universe, Universe. Just go and poke your head back up your bum. I hate...

A phone call revealed that the real estate agent had been waiting to hear from us. After double-checking the email address we all realised there had been a simple typo in the way of getting things done. Oh Universe – come over here and give us a hug, you big hunk of a great big thing.

I don't want to push the friendship, but I'm currently thinking about my new neighbours. I am visualising Cameron Diaz... Angelina Jolie (sans Bradley and kids)... um... Shakira? Yeah, why not... ooh and Stewie from Family Guy, he would be a cack to hang out with. Who else...

Grumpy is freelance writer Lee Bemrose, leebemrose@hotmail.com. He is looking forward very much to meeting the new neighbours The Universe has given him to play with.

HomeHunting Part 27

Northcote is back on the list, an area called Ruckers Hill. We saw a place today that is unbelievably cool. Brand new, district and city views from the fifth floor. Checked the area out and the first shop we came across was a doof shop called The Pixie Collective. They were playing a very familiar Lost Keys track. Lost Keys? Found Keys? They stocked copies of Daheen's Green Chillies album and Regen Records' Regeneration, which we bought. These guys are friends from Sydney and we hadn't seen the albums before. The Dreaded One also pointed out that the apartment block is called Acacia Apartments, Acacia, of course, being a rich source of Vitamin DMT.

I'm still not going to get excited about the possibility of getting this place (except that I already am, a little bit), but the signs are certainly being friendly. I asked the girl in The Pixie Collective if there are many doofer types in the area and she said yes and talked about the parties and the fact they have a renegade stage at tomorrow's St Kilda Festival.

We had a bite to eat and some good coffee at Ruckers Hill Cafe. Good vibe, owners (I assume) were really friendly. The area doesn't have the sceney look that Fitzroy does, but it does have its own cool. We both like it and can se ourselves living there. It's 7km out of the city, but that's okay. The apartment itself would be such a step up from our old one and our things will look great there. We'll keep looking in the meantime.

In other news, I almost walked out of a booze shop today with a case of low alcohol beer. I squealed like a girl and put that damn stuff back. Close call.

*Update - the above happened on Saturday. On Monday we got a call. The signs were accurate. Our application was approved.

Hostile Universe? Not Always.

So. Here we are in Melbourne (not the two knuckleheads in the picture, The Dreaded One and me). Been here a couple of weeks now but still don't have a home. We're staying in a serviced apartment while looking around and there is much confusion. We always felt we'd live in or around Fitzroy but it seems a million other people also want to live in or around Fitzroy. You can find a place you like and can see yourself living in, but you have to get that application in quickly and pay them what they want. I suspect people are offering more than the asking rental or even bribing the property managers. The latter makes perfect sense - slip them a couple of hundred bucks upfront to get you the place. Maybe that's being too cynical. Maybe it makes perfect sense. I don't know.

I do know that Fitzroy is starting to lose its appeal. We've looked at a lot of areas now and it's very confusing. Everything has shifted. Now the shortlist is Melbourne CBD, Brunswick, Brunswick East or... I don't know. A really lovely real estate agent (yeah they do exist) yesterday recommended Brunswick. She seemed to have us pegged. Mentioned music gigs etc, so I've read up about it and it sounds appealing so we'll drive over there today and wander about for a bit, soak up the vibe.

We also threw into the mess of what we are doing right now the possibility of going back overseas. I can't express what a perfect trip that was. Nothing went wrong, everything went right. The universe really delivered. When we were in Madrid and had to buy a tent for Boom, we couldn't find a place that sold tents. They just didn't exist. One day to go, we got hopelessly lost and stumbled upon a place that sold tents. The 'salesperson' has achieved legendary status for us - she was pure hate. We asked if we could look at a tent (it was, after all, a tienda specialising in tiendas) and she screeched at us, "No tienda!" We asked if we could look at one of the tiendas hanging on the wall and she insisted, "NO TIENDA!" We politely insisted that one of the display tiendas would be fine and with some Spanish cursing and a roll of the shoulders she stormed of, got our tienda from the back room, stomped her way back in, threw the tent onto the counter and told one of her minions to sort us out. Hilarious WTF moment.

Point is, we got lost and wouldn't have found the tent shop otherwise. Sometimes, stuff happens for a reason. This was merely one of countless incidents that made me feel like the universe was not hostile at all but was actually being rather nice. Things just fell nicely into place when we were traveling.

I'm not complaining about having trouble finding our home in Melbourne. I think after such a charmed trip we probably assumed we'd just walk into our new home. Thinking about it, I'm not surprised it's a bit of a shitfight. We've had a dream run. We have to put in a bit of effort now and that's cool and maybe the universe knows what it's doing. We'll still look at Fitzroy this coming Saturday, but there was something about that real estate agent and her recommendation. There was a vibe, like she knew something. We shared a laugh and she gave us some of her time and both The Dreaded One and I thought there was a vibe. We'll see how this pans out.

The other thing about the universe is the friends I have at the moment. The picture above? One of my favourites. What you see there is a picture of damn near perfect friendship. It's ridiculous to think those two people met at all, let alone became such solid friends. There is no clash of ego, no struggle for dominance, no bullshit of any kind. There is just acceptance of this other human who for whatever reason is cool in the eyes of the other. It's a beautiful thing.

And I have a few precious people in my life right now. Some I've spent a lot of time with, some only a short time but knew then that there was a vibe. Solitary guy doesn't feel quite so solitary anymore. He feels very grateful.

In other news, my new phone is waaay to smart for me. It's doing my little tiny head in.

Still Calling Australia Home

Photo - me on the phone to Kat whilst feeding some locals. They like the peanuts.

New Grumpy column attached. Wonder if it will ruffle any feathers.

Grumpy

It's a bit of a shock, this coming home thing. Not that I have a home to come back to, but I guess because of various bureaucratic rules I still call Australia home. And I'm not very comfortable with this for a number of reasons.

Firstly, that damned Australian accent. I hate it. I've spent the past six months hearing nothing but proper accents. My ears became completely accustomed to hearing Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, German, Mexican, French, Czeck and even English and American accents. In America I heard black people talk to each other just like movie black people and they weren't even trying to be funny, and soon I just got used to it. I started thinking in whatever accent I was surrounded by... although one American guy, upon hearing that I was Australian, wanted to hear everything I knew about crocodiles, marsupials and The Great Barrier Reef because “he could listen to my accent all day long” – and I don't have a Goddamned accent. (Although once at a party in Turkey I did, due to a random bit of liquid a friend of a friend gave to me, develop a kind of generic euro accent. Amusing at first, it became tedious after the second day but I just couldn't stop it).

But the Australian accent. It disappeared from my ears. A few times I was mistaken for being British, but this has always happened. Perhaps because of my travels I became even less Australian- sounding. Whatever the case, as soon as I stepped on board my QANTAS flight home, I was shocked to actually hear the Australian accent the way foreigners must hear it. Far from having that slightly lisping, delicate way of talking that most flight attendants have, the QANTAS guys spoke like rool bloody blokes mate. Just like when I first heard a black guy call his friend a mofo, I thought these guy must be joking. Surely no one really talks in such a broad, nasally, avuncular drawl. But as the plane slipped at a blinding speed over the Pacific, I realised that I wasn't Over There any more, and that sadly, yes, we really do sound like that. Crikey.

My ears have by now acclimatised, but there are some things it is taking longer to get used to. Keen to postpone reality for as long as possible, I spent some time on the Southern Victorian coast, and I felt really sorry for International travellers almost as much as I felt sorry for myself. On other coasts the seafood was fresh and plentiful, plucked straight from the sea and served as nature intended or lovingly shaped into the most aromatic bouillabaisse or rich chowder, but here in Oz? Burger joints, cafes, local Chinese - AND everything closes so early. I am now part Spaniard, Goddamn it, and dinner happens alfresco some time after 10pm!

And don't get me started on the clothing... too late – I've already started me on the clothing. Why do none of you Australians – males especially – make the slightest effort in the dress department? Just as I was hearing the Australian accent with foreign ears, here I was seeing the Australian fashion aesthetic with foreign eyes. Guys – thongs, shorts and an O'Neil T shirt is just wrong to go out to dinner in, even if it is the local Chinese. Hairy legs and bare feet do not belong in a restaurant.

Don't get me wrong – I have been to the opposite end of the spectrum to the coast of Victoria with a mercifully brief visit to St Tropez (travel tip re St Tropez: don't bother unless it's a port-side shopping centre for the mega wealthy you're looking for), and things can go too far. But for Goddsake and the mercy of my international sensibilities, make an effort!

So here I am, back in a country I reluctantly call home. It's been a good round the world trip. It's opened my eyes and ears and allowed me to see and hear what we're really like. Either that or it's turned me into a stuck-up wanker. Beauty.

Grumpy is Lee Bemrose, International Man Of Wankery and freelance writer. Tell him he's a wanker at leebemrose@hotmail.com

Postcard From Lorne

God I am crap at this formatting thing. Nevertheless... We are in a place called Lorne right now. South coast of Victoria, and rather than head into our new city we are driving further down the coast because it's just so Goddamn pretty and we don't have jobs to start on Monday or pets to feed or anything. We do have jobs to find and a place to live to find and a pet to buy to feed to find, but reality can wait a few more days.

I am properly back into the outdoor, hippy-type thing. I was hooked on cold a few short weeks ago but am back into the baggy clothes, barefoot, sun-tanned lifestyle and can't imagine life being any different. Rainbow Serpent was amazing. Such a well organised party. I love camping, love the music, love the craziness of it all. It seriously needs to think about being a longer festival (four days just isn't enough), but I am grateful for it existing at all.

Bumped into friends from Adelaide who we haven't seen in years. We had lost numbers and email addresses and everything and randomly bumped into them at the markets. Partied a bit, lost them throughout the weekend, caught up on the dancefloor again, then as we were packing up to leave at the end of the party realised that the flag pole marker at the campsite next to ours that we had been using as a guide home was theirs; they had been camping next to us all weekend.

The party was excellent. So many Sydney friends... I had the 4am horrors for the first time about leaving Sydney. 4am is great to party through or sleep through, but when you wake and think it's a terrible hour, and it goes on for hours. At the core of my being I am quiet ad solitary and not very good with people, but these past few years I have amazing friends and I am leaving so many of them. Some were at the party, others were not. At 4am, I missed them all and really wasn't sure why I was leaving Sydney.

And I really missed a couple of friends who weren't there. They know who they are. Really missed them. I hope you felt the love.

There was much laughter though. A favourite moment was when the husband of a friend told The Dreaded One that he had spent the weekend trying to connect with me but it didn't seem to be working. The Dreaded One told him, "What you have to understand about Lee is that he wanders around living inside a bubble, but once you get inside that bubble he's quite nice and quite funny." He said he was going to perservere and get inside the bubble. He didn't need to persevere. I took notice and he is indeed a lovely guy and I hope we are friends. That was my favourite conversation about me that I wasn't there to hear. I like that The Dreaded One said that. She could just as eaily said that I am a wanker and to not bother.

We've made friends from Melbourne who we are seeing next weekend. Friends of friends, it's all about the friends.

Lorne... cute little beachside town. We pulled up outside a hotel, whipped out the lappy and booked a hotel online because it was cheaper to do it that way rather than walk in and make a booking. I fucking love technology.

Friends rocked up to our nice hotel with our stunning view overlooking the beach in three campervans. It was a few more people than we were expecting but cool, friends of friends are friends. It doesn't always work out that way but this time it did. I would welcome these crusty, manky doofers into my home anywhere as much as I welcomed them into my hotel room. Cool people, new friends. We ate and drank and celebrated a birthday on Australia Day. I even sang that fucking birthday song. It was all very cool.

Now the place is empty except for music and cockatoo screech. I am listening to more Goddamned Posford because he is that good. I have just chatted to kid sister in San Francisco for almost an hour and there are unicorns and angels down in the street... okay, life is almost that good.

Tomorrow we head down the coast to The 12 Apostles and Port Campbell, possibly to meet up with our new German friends, hopefully drink some wine and swim under a waterfall, and at some point contemplate the future.

The photos above? Some (not nearly all) dear friends, and me and my new funky arsed hat with its funky arsed feathers. Fun times.

Grumpy, Zeus, Poseidon, Buddha and Pork Products

GRUMPY

I have this special friend... let's call her Pork Products. Why? Because she likes to call me Pork Products and I just think it's only fair that if she calls me Pork Products, we all call her Pork Products. It's a kind of reverse psychology thing. She started calling me Pork Products so I started calling her Pork Products in the hope that she would cease and desist. Alas, she calls me Pork Products with even more enthusiasm than before. A typical conversation might go like this:

“Hello, Pork Products.”

“Hello Pork Products!”

“No you're Pork Products!”

“No you are.”

“You are the original Pork Products.”

“No you are.”

It's this kind of sophisticated mind play that keeps us bonded. We're like a couple of classical Greek philosophers when we get together.

Imagine my relief, then, when sitting in Mission Dolores Park in San Francisco one such conversation is interrupted by a couple of trippers who are quite clearly tripping hard, one of whom is a self professed “Qualified High Priest of Diana” who wants to bless me and The Dreaded One because we are Australian and he studied Australia for a fifth grade project.

“Oh yeah,” he enthuses. “I love Australia. I want to go to Sydney and Perth and Melbourne and Adelaide and Brisbane and and and I want to see marsupials and... did I mention that I'm a High Priest of Diana and can I hold your hands and give you a blessing?”

“Sure dude,” I reply, “knock yourself out.”

High Priest's friend rocks back and forth as he starts rapping about how cool it is to be sitting on a hill with Australian marsupials, High Priest takes The Dreaded One and me by the Hand, and Pork Products just about wets herself with laughter, because this is exactly the kind of shit that goes down daily in Mission Dolores Park.

High Priest (highest one ever, I suspect), looks to the heavens and starts his blessing. The words spill forth and weirdly... so weirdly, he is coherent. What he is saying all makes sense. It's like he's tapping into something higher. It's an actual blessing. It's like he knows us. It's like he's on the hotline to God. It's like he's picking up the news from the cosmos, and unbelievably, I feel something. I am moved. Some of that emotion stuff, it stirs. WTF?

I can see The Dreaded One has been moved too. Even my beloved Pork Products has stopped giggling; she has been moved as well. This guy clearly knows his shit.

“By the way,” High Priest of Diana tells me at the end of the blessing, “while I was holding your hand I was picking up the vibes of... Zeus, Poseidon and Buddha.”

I look across at Pork Products. She hasn't moved, but quite clearly she has mentally smacked herself in the forehead. This is the very last thing she wants to hear. She's been trying so hard to make this Pork Products thing stick, and then this. Zeus. Poseidon. Buddha.

Excellent.

Am I going to pick up this ball and run with it? Am I going to milk this for every last drop? Am I going to battle Pork Products with my divinity and mythology and all round coolness? Um, yes?

San Francisco, I love you.

Grumpy is Lee Bemrose (AKA Zeus, Poseidon and Buddha). They are contactable at leebemrose@hotmail.com

What Next?

In a mellow mood right now. We're staying in the place below, The Inn at 943 South Van Ness, Mission District, San Francisco. Our room is the big bay window on the second floor. Above is me reading Eat, Pray, Love in that very Bay window. I'm feelling chilled, enjoying the book and listening to Zoe Keating's Into The Trees (again).

I know I've said I could live in most of the places I've been to. I've had the piss taken because of it. Fact is, as this trip draws to a close (fuck me if we won't be partying at Rainbow Serpent in less than two weeks... so much to do before then), but it's true. I haven't missed Sydney once (The friends, yes, the place, no), and I haven't lived in Melbourne yet or even set up a place to start living there, so I really feel no loyalty to Melbourne. It just feels like a better place to live than Sydney.

But looking around at San Francisco... it's an exciting place, the food is so good, the weather is mild and just look at these San Fran buildings. They are everywhere and they are so beatuful - I'd really like to live in one for a while. Set up a writing desk in one of the bay windows and get back to some real writing. Apparently The Dreaded One can get an American passport so maybe it's possible. There is still so much to explore here that I know I want to come back at least to visit, but why not explore the possibilities of living here?

There is reality to deal with, of course. Always the fly in the ointment. Employment is the biggie. As it is I don't have any particular skills that will guarantee me work back in Australia, let alone a foreign country. The idea when we settle in Melbourne is for us to start our own catering company and for me to pick up whatever freelance writing I can, maybe have a proper go at some travel writing, but it's all going to take time. It would take a much longer time to do it here... (as I write this I lean over and tell The Dreaded One what I am writing and she has suggested looking up what the competition or prospective employers are like here)... thing is I just don't want to work for anyone else for any longer than I have to. I'm not very good at it. Or rather, I've just been much happier when we've been self-employed. (The Dreaded One has just whipped out her Android and is looking up catering companies in the Bay area).

I don't know where I'm going with this. Elizabeth Gilbert's book is making me want to write. It's making me want to keep traveling. I'm very aware all of a sudden that our trip is nearing the end. Naturally I feel less than thrilled about this. More importantly, I feel extraordinarily priveleged to have experienced it at all. It only took the minor upheaval of selling our home (such a short sentence but I can't explain what we went through to actually go through with it... all the sensible people insisted we were mad and irresponsible; our traveller friends and our doofer friends were supportive so it was a confusing time), and we still face a lot of unknowns but it was all worth it in the end. Best thing we've ever done.

I suspect I'll hit Rainbow and be dancing with friends and will feel at home. I always feel properly at home when bare-footed and dancing in the sun surrounded by friends. Funny concept, feeling at home when you're in a field with music and friends. But I know it will happen. And we will probably start putting down roots in Melbourne and life will take us in another direction.

Thing is, you just never know. This time last year I had no idea I would be here in California, hanging out with my beloved spiritual kid sis. It would be months before the idea of selling up and travelling would even be planted, a couple of short months after that that our home was sold, our life packed into boxes, world trip planned and us making it through those final, hectic days to be Madrid-bound on the start of a very cool adventure.

You just never know.

Grumpy In San Francisco

Grumpy

I've covered quite a lot of ground on what has become Grumpy's World Tour Of Friends. In five months I've lived approximately 35 Cities or towns in nine different countries... not bad for a lazy bastard like me. There has been all the stress and hitches you expect in such a long haul and somehow Mrs Grumpy (aka The Dreaded One) has put up with me through it all. I'm not exactly a stress head, but for a chilled out dude I do have me share of neuroses and occasional outbursts of sartorially-induced hysteria. It's best you don't ask.

I've learned a lot about all the places I've visited, and this week's column is a bit of an over-view.

In Madrid I discovered that most of the male waiters appeared to be frustrated matadors. Some of them were some of the angriest bastards I've encountered, especially if you ask a barista to make a cappuccino, which I did time after time because the reaction was so funny. It infuriates them, which is a cack. Arrogance of the French? The French don't have anything on the Madrid guys. In fact the French were lovely people. My time in France was basically one long party followed by one long hangover. In Berlin I realised that no one goes anywhere without a drink in their hand, preferably bagged bottles of beer but wine is also acceptable. God knows what it's like in October. No kidding, the very efficient Berlin trains were jam-packed with drinkers at all hours. In Portugal I discovered that no matter what restaurant you went to, no matter what they called the dishes, the menus were identical. Same six options on every single menu no matter if you ate at a cheapy in a back lane in or a five star place, all the same. I got excited about something called 'Secret Pork' in one place, thinking it was some esoteric variation of the ubiquitous sauceless grilled pork only to discover there was no secret about it, it was exactly the same sauceless grilled pork as all the other sauceless grilled pork. In Italy the most striking national trait was passion. They are passionate about everything from art to icecream. In random places you'll even come across bridges almost collapsing under the weight of thousands of padlocks, tributes of passion between couples with their names engraved on the locks and the keys thrown away. You have to love that kind of shit. And football? The Italians start singing their myriad team songs hours before the game... and all we Australians can come up with is Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie oi oi oi. In snowy England I found another national stereotype alive and kicking: The Whinging Pom. With climate change being harder and harder to ignore, England is being more snowed under than ever. The snow belts down each year, roads turn to chaos, airports are closed and letters to the editor flood in: someone is to blame and something must be done. I asked why no one has snow chains and was met with the reply, “Why should I buy snow chains when I will only use them once or twice a year?” Erm... because once or twice a year those snow chains are going to save your arse. Same snow stuff happens in America and the Yanks get up like a cowboy thrown from a horse, they dust themselves off and get on with things.

And this has been the biggest revelation for me – Americans. I came over here and kicked the saloon doors open armed with a whole bunch of preconceptions and it turns out I was firing blanks. For example, hands up who thinks New Yorkers are arseholes? Just as I thought, heaps of you. Well you're all wrong. New Yorkers and San Franciscans are so polite and friendly and helpful and just all round nice that at first I was suspicious. Was this some new mugging tactic? Stun them with nice and then attack? Because one thing I knew without a doubt was that I was going to get mugged in America by some arsehole American. And while I'm sure there is a fair bit of crime about, aside from the minority of shooty and stabby Americans, most of them are just so... nice. The more time I spend here, the more I realise I could live here, not something I ever expected to say.

Who knows – I might even end up being nice.

Goodbye, 2010.

Wherever you are, happy new year to you. However 2010 has been for you, I hope 2011 is better.

As for me... I left a job I had no heart for. I was treading water which was fun for a while but I realised I need some challenge. I need to learn. In a way I still don't care what I do for an income because it's just a means to an end, but at the same time I need some stimulation.

So I quit that and we sold our home and travelled. It went something like this:

Madrid (Spain) 12th Aug - 18th Aug
Boom (dance party in Portugal) - 18th Aug - 25th Aug
Sintra 25th - 28th Aug
Pria Macais 28th - 30th Aug
Lisbon 30th Aug - 2nd Sept
Faro 2nd Sept
Seville (Spain) 3rd Sept - 6th Sept
Granada 6th Sept - 9th Sept
Denia 9th Sept - 12th Sept
Ibiza 12th Sept - 21st Sept
Barcelona 21st - 25th Sept
Arles (France) 25th - 28th Sept
Marseilles 28th - 30th Sept
Cassis 30th Sept - 1st Oct
Arles 1st Oct - 4th Oct
San Rafael 4th Oct - 8th Oct (Day trip to St Tropez, that's where the photo was taken)
Nice 8th Oct - 11th Oct
Levanto (Italy) 11th Oct - 15th Oct
Pisa 15th Oct - 17th Oct
Florence 17th Oct - 21st Oct
Rome 21st Oct - 26th Oct
Venice 26th Oct - 29th Oct
Berlin (Germany) 29th Oct - 5th Nov
Prague (Czek) 5th Nov - 11th Nov
Paris (France) 11th Nov - 18th Nov
London (UK) 18th Nov - 24th Nov
Brighton 24th Nov - 6th Dec
Oxford 6th Dec - 9th Dec
New York (USA) 9th Dec - 15th Dec
San Francisco 15th Dec - 22nd Dec
Napa Valley 22nd Dec - 24th Dec
Lake Tahoe 24th Dec - 27th Dec
San Francisco - 27th - 12th Jan

We've covered quite a bit of ground and I've discovered many places I could relocate to. Faves? Hard to say because each place has its own unique personality to offer. Madrid had art, food and lifestyle... in fact that was all of Spain. And Italy and and France. Had my most perfect lunch at a beachside place in Barcelona, think it was called CDCC. Magical afternoon. Ibiza was fun and as with everywhere except Seville, I'd go back at the first opportunity. Berlin lived up to the hype - great new city with a fascinating and fucked up history. Checkpoint Charlie moved me to tears a couple of times because amid so much War history, here was real hope and in the end triumph, some glimpses of all that is good about the human spirit. There's a photo of a border guard helping a little boy getting through the barbed wire that has imprinted itself on me. The guard looks terrified that he is going to be spotted and the boy holds his arms up, expecting to be lifted to join his family on the other side of the wire. The look on he guard's face is amazing. Sheer fright, but you know he's going to help the kid. I love it. I love that so many of the guards helped their fellow Germans cross the border by turning a blind eye or being the worst shots in the army. Sadness in the history of the Berlin Wall, but happiness as well.

I loved Paris as much this time as I did last time. I still didn't encounter the arrogance of the French. I think it's an out-dated cliche. The people were as friendly as all the others we encountered, and I loved being in Pigalle with its seediness, art and history. And Areles... that was one long party finished off with a very long hangover.

The UK... hmm. I thought I loved London last time. Probably I did. This time however I just didn't get as into it. For the first time I really saw a national stereotype in action: The whinging Pom is real. A snowstorm closes down airports in the USA and the people get on with it. In the UK? Papers and forums are filled with anger and finger-pointing, someone is to blame and something must be done. There is such a big difference between the people of the UK and of the USA. The UK is gloom, the USA is bright. I enjoyed my stay in the UK and I know lovely people there, but there is a very real culture of complaint.

And this has perhaps been the biggest revelation to me - The USA. The people here are genuinely friendly. Strangers ask how you are and hearing your accent, they ask where you are from and then they ask about Australia. This is not like Turkey where they are merely trying to make a connection to get your money, they are simply curious and want to know about this far away place. I thought New Yorkers were meant to ba arseholes (and of course you get arseholes in all flavours) but for the most part they were really friendly people.

I think my impression of the USA is best summed up by our day trip to The Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Ellis Island really captures what good intentions America had. America had open arms to refugees from all over the world. The fluctuating population statistics on display are fascinating. Such good intentions, youthful America had, but somewhere along the line these good intentions were replaced with arrogance. It's not the people overall, it's the government. The people I've met have been some of the friendliest people in the world, and I want to come back to this place to explore further, something I just wasn't expecting. The only individual Americans I had a bad impression of were a jaded couple in Marseilles who were complaining about the arrogance of the French and how they have never been endeared to the French. Hell, I'm more convinced than ever that you attract exactly the kind of shit you are expecting to attract, at least as far as the way people treat you.

I've been very lucky this year. The trip has been awesome. I've met up with friends from home in all parts of the world. We've been lucky with the weather, we've been lucky with travel with nothing going wrong, no luggage lost, no major delays or major hitches. The relationship between The Dreaded One and myself has been tested, as you'd expect from being together 24/7, especially after selling our home and leaving our jobs. There has been stress but we seem to have pulled through and still seem to be friends on what I've started calling the Lee & Ann World Tour Of Friends.

I'm writing this in the living room of this place. It's gorgeous. It smells of pine from the 10ft tall Christmas tree. There is classical music playing and I'm sipping some complimentary Californian sherry and waiting for my spiritual kid sister to arrive. The three of us will goof off for the day, maybe grab a bite to eat, have some laughs, maybe go to Golden Gate Park. Hopefully my swollen knee will have gone down enough for me to dance at the psytrance party we are going to tonight. I danced too much the night before last. I need to remember that I'm not 17 anymore.

So that's me for 2010. Rainbow Serpent is going to soften the blow of going home. And then? New life in a new city. I don't know what's going to happen. But I've been in a similar position before. It's going to be fine.

Good wishes to you all for 2011.

Christmas Postcard From Lake Tahoe

A few more group shots and random shots. The first pic is us with a former workmate of Ann's (and briefly and sporadically mine) who we bumped into completely unexpectedly in downtown San Francisco. The chances of that happening are so slight. We didn't know he was in SF and he though we were in Europe and had no idea we were in SF. If we'd left to go out a few minutes earlier or if we hadn't taken the F car and had walked instead we might not have run into each other.

Turned out he and his party were going to Napa the following day, same as us. We hooked up for dinner (oh crap - I have to post a photo of the chicken we had for dinner... weirdest damn thing ever) and he told us about a place he wanted to go to afterwards. Place that serves food from an old caravan, stays open till late with a fire in a big tin drum. We didn't know about it but it sounded cool. By coincidence, a friend of Kat's (called Turtle) was there, a random friend she had met at this year's Burning Man. Turtle is well connected in the Napa wine scene and drove us around to some pretty special wineries the following day. We were treated well and tasted some spectacular wine, stuff you just don't get in Australia. Quite amazing how it all came together. At the end of the day we went back to Turtle's for dinner, drinking and darts. And much hilarity. It's great when you meet generous, like-minded people.

Also in these photos is Group Shot With Golden Gate Bridge, Group Shot With Alcatraz, a couple of Group Shots with Lake Tahoe and a shot of Napa and one of our place in San Fran, which we are returning to in a couple of days.

Right now we are enjoying a lazy Christmas day in front of the fire while drinking a very large bottle of Mumm bubbles. We'll go for a walk by the lake and sink into the outdoor hot tub a bit later before roasting turkey and mashing potato and drinking eggnog. There is still snow everywhere even though it hasn't snowed for a few days. They are expecting a storm to blow through tonight with more snow tonight and tomorrow. We're going to take snowboarding lessons tomorrow and see what happens. Hopefully I'll get as hooked on that as I am on darts. I am soooo getting a dart board and French Bulldog when our new life starts in Melbourne.

Have just listened to Younger Brother's Last Days of Gravity and am now listening to Zoe Keating's Into The Trees, and all is good in the world.

I hope your Christmas is as good as mine is.

Postcard From San Francisco

Long time between blogposts. We're in San Francisco now and I'm behind with photos. These are a couple from New York, part of what has become The Group Shot Collection. It's basically just the two of us with a famous thing in the background. We were taking the soup tin shot and a friendly American offered to take a photo of the two of us and we couldn't explain that the point of the group shot is that we take it ourselves. We said yes please and thanked her because it was nice of her, even if it did defeat the purpose.

So New York was a revelation. I didn't expect to like America but New York is brillliant. And I thought New Yorkers were meant to be arseholes but for the most part the people were really friendly. It's a hectic city that really has so much to offer... so long as you can afford it.

San Fran is not so spendy and also has a lot to offer. We're staying in The Mission District and there are so many quality eating places. It's ethnically diverse and there is some really good quality food for really reasonable prices. Some areas are potentially rough in a way you don't really experience in Sydney with some very dodgy looking characters around, but so far we've been left alone. It doesn't feel threatening, exactly, but you do feel it's wise to keep your wits about you.

We rode bikes across The Golden Gate bridge to a beatiful little town called Sausalito and caught a ferry back. We went to Alcatraz yesterday and that was a haunting place. Very atmospheric as they haven't really upkept it since it closed. There are still bullet marks and grenade marks in the floors and walls of some cells from the attempted escape and seige of 1946. Very poignant were the accounts (recorded voices of one-time prisoners) of how close San Francisco was, but how out of reach as well. Apparently when weather conditions were right the prisoners in some cells could hear the sound of celebration from the mainland on New Year's Eve. I know these were hard-core criminals, but you can't help thinking about the impact this must have had on the humans they still were.

Anyway, it was a totally harsh place. Really interesting to have been.

At the other end of the accommodation spectrum, we found this really beautiful Victorian mansion/ B&B to stay at. We booked it as a splurge for two nights because it's close to dear friend Kat (who is the main reason we've come to San Fran). We mentioned to the owner that we're in town for a couple of weeks but need to find somewhere within our budget. He offered to do us a deal and that's just what he's done. He's a real character and seems to have taken a shine to us. He moved us to one of the premium rooms instead of a budget one and said we could have it until someone else books it and it's just so Goddamn lush. We move into a smaller room when we get back from a short trip away, but even the smaller room is plush and comfortable.

Side trip tomorrow to the Napa Valley for some wine tasting, then on to Lake Tahoe. Snow is predicted in Tahoe every day. The Dreaded One, Kat and myself will be having a white Christmas (my first ever) and we have a place with a kitchen so we can roast a Christmas dinner too. Snowboarding is on the agenda, which should be interesting.

Oh - last night... the weather has been grey and rainy here since we arrived. There was a full lunar ecplise last night but it didn't look like the cloud was going to clear. The three of us went for dinner and came back to our room to play board games (Jenga and Monopoly, lots of laughs) but we climbed up onto the rooftop to check on the moon just in case. Amazingly, the cloud was breaking up. We had seen glimpses of the moon earlier and it was brilliant white and as full as it gets, but through the thin wisps of cloud you could see the shadow eating it away. We went back up a little later and it was in total eclipse and glowing deep read.

It was apparently the first full lunar ecplipse to take place on the Winter solstice in 372 years, which was pretty special. Back downstairs my laptop was tuned into Psyradio and The Dreaded One said of the current track, "That sounds like Barry."Sure enough, it was a track called Lucid Dreaming Pt2 by our friend from Sydney who produces under the name of Third Drop Reflection. Weird time to hear a track by a friend being played on international radio.

Back soon, hopefully, with more group shots.

Warney Version 2

Okay, so the previous post was to be the next Grumpy column but the editor said they couldn't run it because they might get sued. I kind of thought that might be the case because I just lifted a story from a paper and substituted the names, which is clearly a copyright infringement. Personally I'd be happy to see a copyright case like that go to court because it would be brilliant publicity, but I think in the end it would b the paper taking the magazine to court and they wouldn't see it for the laugh that I would.

So. I whipped up the following on the flight from New York to San Francisco. It chewed up almost an hour and was a lot of fun. The quotes are real, the rest is made up and not only did I get to have fun with the story itself but I got to have a poke at gossip journalism. The Ed loved it which is a relief because I had been worried that she might not like me pushing the same idea when she had asked for something else.

Read and hopefully enjoy while I sit here icing my knee after a 15km bike ride from San Francisco port across The Golden Gate Bridge to Sausalito. I need to get more exercise.

Grumpy

In what has been dubbed by media sources as one of the most unlikely love-matches in the sporting and entertainment industries, Tsunami can reveal that everyone's champion league bowler and one of the world's most smouldering model actresses have severed ties with their former spouses to be together.

Fred Flintstone and Jessica Rabbit are officially an item.

Fred Flintstone has confirmed wide-spread rumours that his turbulent relationship with Wilma is off again, releasing a statement saying that "Sadly and unfortunately, Wilma and I split up a while ago. Our close friends and family were informed at that time."

The pair have remained close throughout the protracted separation for the benefit of their daughter, Pebbles.

"It is a private matter so we did not make it public. Wilma and I remain friends and will continue to be good parents."

Model and actress Rabbit, also a mother of one, confirmed via Twitter that she had separated from her millionaire husband “a few months ago.”

"Our close family and friends were aware of this," the model wrote.

Since grainy images of the pair canoodling at a London hotel emerged, websites and magazines have been running hot with the news, with many believing the story to be a hoax.

“As if,” said one reliable source. “I mean, c'mon,” the source added. “Like, yeah, right,” he elaborated. “WTF?” he concluded as he giggled off into the sunset.

Reflecting such disbelief, another source is quoted as saying, “Pffft. Flintstone and Rabbit? Get outa here. She's way too hot for him and he's kind of... well a bit of a schmucklehead, really. He's a caveman and she's, like, classy and stuff.”

However a reliable source who can be named has confirmed that as bizarre as they first sounded, the rumours are all true.

“Good old Fred,” a Mr Rubble chuckled. And chuckled. He kept on chuckling and saying good old Fred until our correspondent grew old and died of natural causes. Police say there are no suspicious circumstances.

Also not suspicious is that we at Tsunami are as willing as the next reputable media outlet to quote more unnamed sources.

"It's more than just a fling. Jessica is really falling for Fred," the friend of someone told someone. "They have grown very close and there is an intimate bond between them. The only thing standing in their way is the geography.”

When pressed on the issue of geography and what this had to do with anything, the source looked a bit sheepish and shrugged. “I don't know. I think Jessica must have failed geography at school she must be hoping that Fred can teach her a thing or two about geography. Because of all the rocks?”

The chubby and jocular Flintstone is to host his own talkback show next year, and the pair's flirty tweets broached the possibility of Rabbit appearing on the show, rumoured to be called Stoney.

“I'd love to interview you on my show,” tenpin bowler tweeted, immediately sparking a flurry of rumours that he would like to interview Rabbit on his show.

“If I make it to Bedrock next year I'll definitely do your show,” Rabbit cooed – as much as it is possible to coo on Twitter, sparking a wave of confirmation of the flurry of rumours that the smouldering sex siren would, in fact, be appearing on the show.

“Yabadabadoo,” Flintstone enthusiastically tweeted in reply, leaving no doubt that the eruption, the veritable Big Bang of rumour and speculation over the likelihood of such a mismatched match was undoubtedly worthy of our most careful speculation and closest examination and analysis, the details of which we will bring to you as they emerge.

After all, weirder things have happened.

Grumpy is freelance writer Lee Bemrose, leebemrose@hotmail.com

Flintstone, Rabbit In New Year Rendevous

SEXPOT Jessica Rabbit plans a rendezvous Down Under with new love Fred Flintstone as the spin king yesterday confirmed his relationship with his ex-wife, Wilma Flintstone, was over.

Flintstone acknowledged on his website that his on-off-on romance with Wilma, with whom he has two children, was off again.

"Sadly and unfortunately, Wilma and I split up a while ago. Our close friends and family were informed at that time," Flintstone said.

"It is a private matter so we did not make it public. We remain friends and will continue to be good parents."

Mother of one Rabbit also took to Twitter to confirm she too had separated from her multi-millionaire husband Arun Nayar "a few months ago".

"Our close family and friends were aware of this," the model wrote.

Confirmation that both the model and the spinner are single clears the way for them to go public with their romance, after the pair were snapped pashing at a London hotel last week.

A friend of Rabbit's told a London newspaper there was chemistry between the couple.

"It's more than just a fling. Jessica is really falling for Fred," the friend told the Daily Mirror.

"They have grown very close and there is an intimate bond between them.

"The only thing standing in their way is the geography.

"Fred is mesmerised by Jessica. She's the first person he has felt so strongly about since his divorce. They have so much chemistry."

Rabbit is tipped to arrive in Australia this month and attend the fifth and final Ashes Test, starting in Sydney on January 3.

The face of Estee Lauder cosmetics is an advocate of breast cancer awareness and is keen to promote the Pink Test, which supports the Jane McGrath Foundation.

Flintstone spent yesterday with his children, Pebbles and Bam Bam, at his Bedrock mansion.

Long before he was caught publicly canoodling with Rabbit, Flintstone and Wilma had agreed to end their relationship.

They continued living under the same roof for their children's sake, but in separate bedrooms.

The flourishing relationship between Flintstone and Rabbit began when they met at the Goodwood horse races in England in July.

The pair sent dozens of flirty messages to each other on social networking site Twitter.

The flirting culminated with reports the pair spent two nights together at a hotel while Flintstone visited London to shoot interviews with Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson and singer Susan Boyle.

Flintstone has tweeted about how he would love to interview Rabbit on his Channel 9 show Freddie.

"If I get to come to Sydney for Breast Cancer Awareness I'll def(initely) do your show," Rabbit tweeted last month.

"Yabadabadoo," Flintstone tweeted in reply.

The buxom beauty is the star of one of his favourite movies, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Courtesy of the Herald Sun, kind of.

Tipping Point

Grumpy in New York

Welcome to The United States Of America, the land of have a nice day and tipping. Tipping, tipping, tipping. I was aware that this ridiculous concept had – like so much American culture – infected parts of the world where it was not required (try tipping in Portugal and they think you are mad... they'll accept your 10%, but they'll be laughing their arse off on the inside at your stupidity), and I was aware that it existed here because the basic wage in the hospitality industry was embarrassingly low, but I was not aware of just how entrenched and how fundamental it was to every transaction. Well not every transaction, but most transactions involving food and drink.

Brief history – tipping apparently came about in the Great Depression of the 1930s as a way of restaurant owners keeping staff on without paying them, leaving the staff to rely on their good service to earn their tips. Quite a nice story, really.

Cut to now. HELLOOO - IT'S NOT THE 1930S ANYMORE. Sure, things might not be as good as they could be right now, but overall it's just not as bad as it was during The Depression. Why, then, is the hospitality industry in the good old U.S. Of A still underpaying their staff and forcing its patrons to fix it up by paying for fake smiles and forced bounciness? And it's complicated too.

Just off the plane, The Dreaded One and I asked how much for a cab from the airport to Manhattan. “Fifty five bucks - not including the tip.” It was $7 for the subway which would be quicker and a lot more adventurous, so we took the subway. I'd kind of thought the tip for the cab would have been a couple of dollars or just rounded up to the nearest dollar, but ooooh no. In restaurants now they give you three suggested levels of gratuity – 15%, 20% or 25%. I've read that if you go to an expensive restaurant you are automatically expected to pay 25%. You don't have to go all out to clock up, say $200 on a meal. So that will be an expected $50 you also hand over to the waiter for doing their job. And at bars? You buy a drink and it's say, $12 for a JD & coke, but you add another dollar on for the tip. In fact they give you loads of $1 notes in your change because you are expected to pay a tip for each and every drink you buy. Needless to say, you don't stay out getting shit-faced very often.

You do tip waiters. In some cases you are supposed to tip the host, the front person who shows you to your table. You don't tip behind the counter people. You do tip cabs and hair cutters. If someone grabs your bags to help you with them (dude, I've made it around the world without little you by my side to help me so back the fuck off), you are expected to tip them for each bag they have groped. If a hotel guy takes you to your room and points out where the telly and the bathroom is (one guy actually did this – he even opened the closet door and told us it was the closet and closed the door again), you are supposed to tip them. You don't tip housekeeping staff... unless you have stayed three days or more, then it's a dollar a day. It was all so confusing I was starting to see visions of pugs in top hats (and wondering how much I should tip them).

And check your bill if you're with groups of friends before adding on your tip because in all likelihood, the restaurant has already kindly added on an extra 18%tip.

You start to question quotes like the one on the horse-drawn carts that take you around Central Park. Average price between $20 and $50. But does that include the tip? How much is the tip?

The end result of all of this? I will probably not do the horse and cart thing. I will not get pissed at bars very often. I'll eat out less and will probably only go to one reasonably nice restaurant while I'm here because otherwise I will be broke. It's already an expensive city, the last time I looked the Aussie dollar was doing okay but was still a few percentage points behind the American dollar, and alsotooaswell – start paying your hospitality people a basic wage, American hospitality industry. You can do it. Presumably you know about cost breakdowns, profit margins etc, stop being so lazy. Or greedy.

I'm guessing a lot of the hospitality industry like the tipping system because I've seen some bar staff rake it in. But the overall effect... well I wonder. I'm not a tight-arse and I am tipping what is considered the appropriate amount (when in Rome etc), but I can't be the only person who just can't afford to spend as much as I would if I wasn't expected to throw away extra chunks of my hard-earned cash at (almost) every transaction.

Grumpy is Lee Bemrose (leebemrose@hotmail.com). He suggests a 15% gratuity for reading this column. Have a nice day.

Postcard From Brighton

I've been very slack with blogging. I've been pretty slack with writing generally, although I am toying with the idea of applying for a creative writing course when back in Australia. I've never really been into the idea of studying writing and I'm not sure even now if it's for me, but it might be a fun thing to try. I think I've always felt that the short story award so many years ago and the few stories published and short-listed proves that I can do it so that's enough. But what the hell. Who knows.

Anyway. Last day in Brighton today. The above photo was taken in Prague, not Brighton, but it kind of captures my mood of late. Read into it what you will.

So how has Brighton been? Mixed bag of lollies indeed. In the first hour of being here we got caught up in student demos which threatened to turn into riots. There were riot cops out in force, dogs, 'kettling', helicopters... it was full-on.

Then there was snow. There were a few light falls, then one night it really came down. So pretty, so delicate and gentle. Being Australian I'm used to thunderstorms, hailstorms and heavy rain, all loud and potentially destructive. But snow just drifted about and settled gently, not making a sound. At times in the orange light outside the pub The Dreaded One and I sat in that night, the snowflakes looked like embers from a fire as they flurried about. Strange that such a beautifully gentle thing as snow fall can cause such havoc. Roads closed, trains got stranded, schools closed, airports shut down. It was amazing.

It was an impressive dump and it was such fun to be out amongst it. I've loved the cold and the sound of snow under-foot. And the smell of the snow. When it first started coming down I noticed a strange smell I hadn't noticed before and couldn't quite link to anything else. The smell persisted and I started to wonder if it was the snow, the way you can smell ozone just before rainfall. I said to The Dreaded One, "This might be a stupid question, but does snow have a smell?" She didn't know. I've never really experienced snow before so I thought maybe this was a common thing.

I googled and sure enough, lots of peopple can smell snow. Described variously as clean and ozone-like, I wondered how it was that I'd never encountered the concept of snow odour.Very distinct.

We made the most of this early, freak fall. Snow fights and sliding down hills and just generally being out in it. It turns everyone into children. So nice to hear the shounds of the protests and police sirens replaced by the hoots and child-like laughter of children and adults alike.

The snow has gone and life has returned to normal, except for the hangover of blame. The debates going on about who is to blame for everything turning to shit because of the snow is amazing. It seems each time this happens - heavy snowfall - the country grinds to a halt and someone is to blame. I don't know. I think it doesn't happen often enough for there to be proper systems in place to cope with it (if it happened for six months of the year every year I'm sure the situation would be different), and if that's the case just ride it out. But the Brits love to blame someone, and they love to do it with anger.

Speaking of anger, I also saw a ridiculous pub fight break out. The argument was over someone taking a bar stool that someone else had been using. Classic case of class divide because one guy was working class and the other sounded and looked a bit of an upper class twat. The twat kept baiting the blue collar guy by questioning his intelligence because he wanted to punch someone over a barstool. He had a point, but the other guy did back off at the urging of his mates, but that the twat kept making things flare up only proved that he was, in fact, precisely as stupid as the other guy. At one point the shouting even included questioning which of them was the more authentic Brightonian.

I don't know whether we are more egalitarian in Austraia or whether it's more that you don't get such distinctly different classes at the same drinking hole, but I'd never seen anything quite like it. Funny and disturbing. We got the hell out when furniture started flying about and other patrons started getting involved.

We also took part in an artwork designed by Thom Yorke from RadioHead. This involved us standing around in blue ponchos with thousands of other people assembled to look like King Canute while a plane flew over and took photos. It was bitterly cold and about as much fun as it sounds, but strangely fun.

And today is our last day in Brighton. We're off to Oxford tomorrow for a couple of nights because people say it's nice. Then it's back to London for one night before we fly out to New York.

Hopefully I'll ge back into regular updates. And posting more photos. God, I am so behind.

Found: One Gold Ring

We're walking along a street in Paris when this guy just in front bends down and picks something up. He looks around at us and holds out a man's gold ring in the palm of his hand, his expression asking if I had just dropped it. It takes about half a second for me to think it's not mine and clearly it's not his but one of us may as well have it. I instinctively put out my hand and he gives the ring to me.

It takes another second for me to realise the ring is still warm from body heat; if it had been sitting on the cold stone for even a couple of minutes it would also be freezing cold. I look around for who might have dropped it and see a well-off older guy who has just removed a glove and realise the ring must be his. I move to approach him but the young guy who gave me the ring has moved off, thought for a second, then decided to ask me for a small reward for returning the ring.

I pull out a few coins without looking and give them to him whilst keeping an eye on the older guy.

But the young guy wants more money. I have only given him 50 cents. I know where he's coming from - it's an expensive ring, he has done the right thing, the least I can do is reward him decently. Maybe the ring is worth several hundred dollars, maybe more, so what is 10 or 20 Euro in comparison? Problem is, I'm not going to pay paper money for a ring I am about to return to its rightful owner.

I give the kid 2 Euro to get him out of my way because the old guy is moving away now and I really want to give the ring back to him.

But the kid gets shitty with me now and starts demanding more money because it's for food. This really pisses me off. He has simply done what he though was the right thing to do - why expect money for that? I wave him off, leaving him shouting in exasperation. I chase after the old guy.

"Did you just lose a ring?" I ask him.

He looks at his watch. He can't speak a word of English. I point at his ring finger. I show him my rings. I pull the gold ring out of my pocket and mime finding it on the pavement. He does not recognise the ring and walks away muttering.

So. Suddenly I am left with a solid gold ring and now way of returning it to its rightful owner. I look around for anyone looking for a lost ring. It could be anyone. By now they could be anywhere. I feel bad for them and don't know what to do. I think about taking it to the police. I think about selling it. I'm just not sure.

We talk about what an odd thing to happen this was. About the frustration of feeling the owners body heat in the metal. About the pushiness of the kid and how dumb he was to think it was mine when it was in front of us and not behind.

Next day, standing outside the Louvre, looking at the Seine, a fresh faced girl approaches us from behind and says look what I just found, a gold ring.

The Dreaded One and I look at each other. Oh yeah?

"Yours?"the girl asks.

"No," we both say.

"Is it gold?"

We shrug.

"You take it. For good luck."

"No, you keep it for good luck."

She leaves us alone to look for another victim.

What I like about all this is that it's an inventive scam. If you get sucked in properly and hand over the 10 or 20 Euro I've since read occurs, you have your own greed to blame. You know this supposed gold ring is not yours, but you realise that 20 Euro is a damn good price for this chunky ring. Hell, who knows how much it's worth. It's a good little scam.

I now know where the warmth of the ring came from. I'm glad I only forked out a Euro or two (it will make for an amusing addition to our coffee table collection of trip memorabilia), and I amused to think the old French guy probably thought I was trying this local scam on him.

And I am very glad I didn't hand it into the police or take it to a jeweller to be valued. They would have gotten a good laugh out of it though.

Grumpy In Prague

Latest Grumpz column. This was verz last minute and I wasn§t sure how it would turn out but the editor simplz replied with lots of hahas and LOVE IT in caps. Zou have to like a response like that.

I have heaps of photos to share but am on someone else§s computer, so I can§t post anz photos just zet of mz adventures in Prague.

Grumpz In Prague

Greetings from mz new hometown, The Cyek Republic§s capital, Prague. It§s been prettz non-stop since I arrived a few dazs ago. I have friends here which is a good thing because thez know all the cool places to go and thez know how to speak the local lingo which is a good thing because the further into Eastern Europe zou go the weirder the languages are. In Spain, France, Italz and Germanz, if I stare at a slab of writing and summon all mz mental powers, I can generallz get the gist of a bit of it. But in Cyek, forget it…

Whoa. I just read over what I§ve written here and either I§ve picked up a Cyek accent or this is one weird-arsed kezboard. Or it could be the beer. I§ve been drinking rather a lot of Cyek beer… and Absinthe. Mazbe the green fairz is making me see funnz shapes and mispellings where there are none. How is this looking for zou, mz fair editor… am I coming across as a little under the weather or simplz merelz… I forgot what I was going to saz.

Anzwaz. So. Prague. I went to possiblz the cooloest club I§ve ever been to. It§s called The Cross, and it hands down beats anz other club ever in the cool pants department. Contemporarz metal sculpture for furniture, nooks, crannies, art on the wall and rammed full of friendlz, unpretentious people. I wanna live in that place. If zou§re ever in Prague, do check out The Cross. Come and saz hello §cos I§ll probablz still be there.

Also another club worth checking out is 02. Mz friends said there§s a pzstrance night at 02. I said great, lets go. Thez said not sure because it§s a bit small. I said don§t care. Thez said no it§s reallz small. I said what are we talking here, a night club for hamsters­ insert question mark I can§t make the question mark kez work. Mz friends said not it§s for humans but it used to be a toilet block in the local park. Well that sealed it – never been to a club night in a toilet. Not an actual toilet.

Indeed, this place was tinz. If six people were on the dancefloor, it was crowded. It was hilarious bacause there were waaaz more than six of us on the dancefloor towards the end of the night. We told the guz running it that he needed to build a bigger dancefloor. He scratzched his chin, looked around, then got a couple of his bozs to také some of the tables and chairs outside. Now zou could fit twice as manz people as six on the dancefloor… that would be 12… sorrz, brain in szrup mode… and now I§ve distracted mzself and can§t remember waht the next bit was going to be.

We took a break from clubbing and drinking and stuff for a daz and went forest hunting. This wasn§t about shooting animals in a forest, it turned out to be a hunt for an actual forest.

There§s meant to be heaps of them just out of Prague, but we couldn§t find a single one no matter how much mud we trudged through. We found lots of fields and there were lots of trees scattered about that if all squished together might have made nice forests, but no actual forests. We did find a place with some prettz water at that base of a steep cliff but unfortunatelz the fog was so thick we couldn§t see the prettz water.

Reallz nice fog though.

Two more things I§ve learned whilst in Prague… damn can§t find the colon kez. So anzwaz, to more things are 1 – zou don§t want to go to a nightclub in Prague. Well zou might, but not for the same reasons zou might want to go to a nightclub anzwhere else in the world… well mazbe thez could be the same reason… what I§m trzing to saz here is that nightclubs in Prague are brothels. And I mean that in the same waz I saz the 02 club was a toilet. Zou want to dance to loud music, zou go to a dance club or a music club. Zou want to paz a stranger to have fun with zour wang, zou go to a nightclub.

Lesson B is… that is, number two lesson I§d like to leave zou with, is don§t spill the Absinthe on the bench when zou are trzing to do that thing with the fire and the sugar cubes and the spoon with holes, because that shit WILL make the bench go on fire.

Okaz, gotta go. Friends have just called to ask if I want to go to the toilet again. Got to put out the fire and head out.

Grumpz is freelance writer and gzpsz, Lee Bemrose. Contact him at leebemrose@hotmail.com

Grumpy At The Colosseum

Grumpy

When you go to Rome, this is what you do: You find the Colosseum. It's not hard because it's a really old, big thing. You go down there with your map and you mingle with the people. There will be lots of people because everyone wants to experience this big old slaughter house. Pick your target. Walk up to them as you look at your map, puzzled expression on your face.

“Scuzee... can you tell me where the Colosseum is?”

Regardless of their nationality, they will understand by the words scuzee, Colosseum and your puzzled expression and the way you are carrying the map that you want to know where the Colosseum is.

“There,” they point.

You don't look at where they are pointing, just at their face. Then back at the map. “I think it must be around here somewhere.” You circle an area on the map where you think the Colosseum must be.

“Turn around. Look up. There. There is the Colosseum. Behind you.”

You continue looking at the map. “See, I came down this road, took a left and I think I should have maybe gone right at that fork... do you have any idea where it is?”

They think you are mad and so they move away, telling their spouse that they think you are mad.

You turn around and there are some guys dressed as Roman Centurions. They make their living by wandering around in these costumes, brandishing their wooden swords and letting you pay them for taking your photo with them. Pretty silly way for grown men to make a living. Still, they are your next targets.

“Bongiorno, Centurions,” you tell them.

“Bongiorno. Photo?”

“Yeah in a minute. Steady on. Firstly, I need to know where the Colosseum is. You must know about the Colosseum? The big stabby place? You know Colosseum?”

Long pause. “Si... yes.”

“Do you know where it is?” You ask. “I can't seem to find it on my map.”

“Eh... turn around. The Colosseum, it is behind you. You cannot miss it.”

They look at each other and burst into Centurion laughter. They say something in Italian about crazy foreigners and the Colesseum. They laugh some more of their Centurion laughter.

“But I can't find it,” you push on. “I need to find the Colosseum on the map. I thought it would be easy to find, but I can't find it. I've been looking for ages. I thought you might be able to help...”

“Signore... I assure you, the Colosseum is right behind you. Trust me. You are at the Colosseum. Look.” The Centurion points with his wooden sword.

You drop your shoulders a little and turn around. You eyeball the Colosseum for a couple of moments, then turn back, open the map again and say, “Okay. Fine. But where is it on my map? I've narrowed it down to this area but I just can't quite pinpoint the exact location on the map...”

There is about as much point in doing this as there is a point to this column, but you will enjoy yourself. And you can take this with you anywhere you go. Eiffel Tower. Sydney Opera House. Statue of Liberty. The Pyramids of Giza. Amusement every time.

Grumpy is Lee Bemrose, freelance writer at leebemrose@hotmail.com He still can't find the Colosseum on his map.