I woke up feeling like hell today. I wake up feeling like hell every Monday. In fact if I'm honest with myself, I wake up feeling like hell almost every day. I don't particularly want to wake up, and I definitely don't want to go to work. I hate my job. It's a good job - I know this because I have had some truly awful jobs. But I hate it anyway, and sometimes the only thing that makes me happy is the thought of calling up and saying "I'm not coming in. I'm not ever coming in ever again. Ever." But I know I won't do it. Not today anyway. Maybe not ever.

On Mondays, though, I come into the clothing shop that I run with my girlfriend and another friend. I get to sleep in because the shop doesn't open until midday, so I lay on the couch feeling like hell for a bit before getting my shit together and coming into the shop. Why did I sleep on the couch? Because we were out at Earthdance yesterday, kicked on to the afterparty, got home way late, wound down and I was too lazy to move from the couch to the bed. I like the couch anyway.

Mondays I sit and wait for customers who don't come. It's a clubbing clothing shop and Mondays are not when people are thinking about buying clubbing clothing. They wander through and look at stuff, try a couple of things on, sometimes they phone a friend to tell them about this crazy shop they've found. I like it when they do that. Some people even wander in just to say that they think the shop is cool. It is a very cool shop.

The hell feeling didn't last too long. Food and water and I was fine... although my headspace was a little... erm... scattered. I think I think too much. I go over what happened on the weekend and I over-analyze and I feel guilty and usually at some point I think holy fuck we're all going to die and my life has amounted to nothing.

I don't want to die. Not ever. I just think dying is going to be totally crap. Like, I like laughing too much, and you can't laugh when you're dead, can you. I don't actually laugh a lot now that I'm alive, but I won't have any choice when I'm dead, and that sucks.

The reason I don't laugh a lot is that not much is actually very funny. People are pretty stupid when it comes to funny stuff. They will laugh at almost anything. Somebody goes for the obvious 'joke' an oh ho ho. Not me. For me to invest the energy required for a real laugh, shit has to be fuck off funny. I'm not sure what that's about, but it's always been the case. Even as a little kid I was not much of a laugher. Strong silent type even when I was in nappies. That's probably not true at all, but it's how I like to think I was.

The funniest thing to happen at Earthdance and the afterparty - and admittedly there was quite a lot that was funny, everyone drunk and pinging or wacked on acid - the funniest thing was at the afterparty at Marrickville Bowling Club, this ponytailed nobster hippy guy introduced himself to my girlfriend thinking that she was someone from his lame-arsed forum. She told him she was not who he thought she was, and he actually said "Oh... because I'm Foreverafter. I'm one of the main guys." Can you believe that? People take this forum stuff waaaay too seriously. Tragically, I actually know who he is because I play their little forum from time to time, and it's true; he is one of the main guys. I'm thinking about starting a thread called 'You know you take forums too seriously when you introduce yourself as your avatar and say with pride that you are one of the main guys.' What a freak. That made me laugh a lot.

When we finally left, our main guy was dancing away in the middle of the dancefloor all by himself. I think maybe he needs to work on his opening lines.

So. A friend started a blog and that got me thinking. I'd never considered it before, but what the hell. I write. I like writing, so I'm gonna write me a blog. It feels a bit stupid at this stage, but it could be kinda fun. I'm probably going to over-analyze the bejesus out of everything and make a total twat of myself, but what the hell. May as well do that before I die. Won't have the option when I'm dead.

God. We really are all going to die, you know.