Meet Bird

Meet Bird. She lives in Brighton. This is a chat we just had. It's kinda typical. Erm... fruity language warning. Also, anyone steals our story ideas, you know what to expect...

Lee says: yo dude
birdy says: yo dudina
Lee says: yo yo duderingo
birdy says: yo yo yo dudaloola
Lee says: yo yo yo dudalopalinadindong...
birdy says: anyway
birdy says: I am writing a story about a man who is so perfect no one ever notices him and he starts selling whitespace on the internet and gets totally obsessed with it and people start noticing his character but then he gets too obsessed with it and eaten up in his own whitespace and disappears leaving millions of dollars in whitespace stock and no one ever hears from him again
Lee says: that sounds kookier than my story called Two Shadows, about a guy who never ventures out in daylight because he has two shadows. Or if he does go outside, he is careful that he stays in the shadows. He is very lonely. Until the day he meets a lonely girl who also has two shadows.
birdy says: lol
birdy says: that sounds really sweet
Lee says: Yeah, I imagine it being a kind of Leunig type thing. It's been noodling about in my brain for a while now. It's gonna come out soon.
birdy says: I like it
birdy says: Leunig is a chartoonist?
birdy says: without the h
Lee says: yes. He's the one who stole my idea about being told to get a life and going to The Life shop. He's a cunt.
birdy says: lol
birdy says: he does the things with all the little guys with big noses
birdy says: ?
Lee says: Then he did the thing about Mr Curly going to Antactica and discovering the joy of penguins. Like, Penguins are my thing. Cunt.
Lee says: they have pointy heads.
Lee says: (and I called someone a pointy head yeeeeeeears ago. I think he's tapping into my brain).
birdy says: like being Jon Malcovic
birdy says: but Being Quick
Lee says: that must be it.
Lee says: I swear, if he does anything with two shadows I am going to hunt the fucker down and put shit in his eyes. Hmm... better write the story soon.
birdy says: human shit?
Lee says: yes... well I haven't thought this through very well. What I'm gonna do is hunt the fucker down and pay someone some good money to put shit in his eyes.
birdy says: you could just shit directly in his eyes
birdy says: hold him down and squat and poo in his eyes
Lee says: that's what I mean about not thinking it through. All right, so if that Leunig cunt does anything with two shadows I'm gonna hunt the fucker down, wrestle him to the ground, tie him up and shit directly into his eyes, which I have cunningly gaffer taped open.
birdy says: you can get those little things they use when they do laser eye surgery that holds eyes open
Lee says: ...if that Leunig cunt does anything with two shadows I'm gonna hunt the fucker down, wrestle him to the ground, tie him up and shit directly into his eyes, which I have cunningly lasered open with eye surgery lasery things.
birdy says: lol
birdy says: sounds perfect
Lee says: oh hang on - aren't the thinigs you're talking about just little tiny gaffer tape things?
Lee says: anyway. enough with shitting in cartoonists' eyes.
birdy says: yeah!
birdy says: down with pooing in eyes!
Lee says: Because then people would be all, "Michael, what's that offensive smell that appears to be coming from your eyes. It smells like that talented feloow Quick's pooh."
Lee says: (fellow)
birdy says: I prefer feloow
Lee says: also, I have a beard.
birdy says: !!
Lee says: actually, you were right. Most of his guys have enormous noses. Wonder what that's all about.
birdy says: it's a penis envy thing
Lee says: He's really very good. Looking at his new calender now. It's whimsical.
Lee says: Fuck. Wonder if I can get in touch with him and I can do the words for Two Shadows (thinking about calling the character T.S. Elliot) and he can do the pix.
birdy says: oooh
birdy says: right
birdy says: I hav eto go have a shower and meet Abi at Wagamamamamamams
birdy says: and wash my hair. Phase 1: new bird hair involves lots of washing. It's crap.
Lee says: ok. I'm almost thinking about posting this chat on my blog... I'm feeling lazy and it's pretty funny.
birdy says: It hink you should
Lee says: Ok. I'm gunna.

And I did. Apple Ogies for the typos.