The anger has come back. I work in an environment that is often physically uncomfortable, hours are long and it's mentally stressful. I always wanted to see the funny side of stuff. Alas, there appears to be no funny side at the moment. I don't mind hard work, don't mind dealing with idiots (within reason), I understand there is a certain amount of testosterone-fueled stupidity in men with a point to prove, but fuck me it's all wearing me down at the moment.
I don't get people who don't care. I don't get people who don't take pride. I don't get people who think they have arrived and there is no point trying to better themselves. I don't get people who like to be spiteful to other people. I don't get stupidity... actually I get this and know you have to work around it, but man it drives me nuts. I don't get why people who move slowly, I don't get why waiters on a five hour shift think they have food entitlements over chefs doing multiple 15 hour shifts without breaks, I don't get attitude and hidden agendas or sloppiness. I don't get lack of focus (yeah okay, in my own time I am The King Of Lack Of Focus, I just try not to be at work), I don't get laziness or sleaze or greed.
I don't like anger. I don't like shouting. I don't like looking at another human in a way that I know has made them feel bad. I don't like the fact that I can do that very well, especially when I do it to a person in a moment of anger and I know that they are basically a well-meaning person.
Tonight I couldn't look at another person because they angered me so much I had serious thoughts about strangling them with the flat rice noodles I was blanching.
I don't like that I am not spending more times with the people who make me feel more like me. No stress. Relaxed. Comfortable. And not the least like screaming something like, "WHY THE FUCK IS THERE NOT A SINGLE FRUIT JUICER TOP IN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING KITCHEN WHEN THERE WERE ATE LEAST, LIKE, TWENTY JUST LAST WEEK? FUCK YEAH THERE WERE TWENTY BECAUSE I COUNTED THEM BECAUSE I WAS JUST AMAZED AT HOW LUXURIOUS IT WAS TO HAVE TWENTY FRUIT JUICER TOPS ALTOGETHER! IN THE ONE KITCHEN! NOW THERE'S NOT A SINGLE ONE AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY ALMOST AS MUCH AS I WANT TO SQUEEZE THE JUICE OUT OF 16 LIMES. WHERE DID ALL THE JUICER TOPS GO?"
Just one of the many rants I had today. I don't like anger. Find it repugnant in others and disappointing in myself.
Currently in desperate need of my happy.
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5 comments:
Sorry.
I think anger is natural--we all have it.
It's not fun though.
I hope happiness and laughter comes your way...SOON!
I don't get it either!
But sometimes I think, you ain't seen anger til you've visited my work!
You're right, Dina. I just think anger is not an ideal mood and should be dealt with. I prefer calm and happy. I know it can't always be the way, but I'm not happy with the amount of anger that's about at the moment.
Y - I can't imagine you shouting in faces the way it's been happening lately.
And it's not just the anger, it's the stress. On Saturday I interviewed a couple of actors and I loved it. I'm happy doing that. I build a story from a conversation with a person I don't know and I love it. Then I went to work and it was probably the most intense day I've had. I think I'm over it.
Upside - I had a brilliant day yesterday with some really good people. I laughed lots.
Oh it's not me that does the shouting! :P
Oh - I though "until you've visited my work" was hips street talk for "until you've seen me in action", or something.
All quiet on the OPE front so far this week.
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