I Hate Banks

Another lazy post. My Acid Tongue column from the current issue of the mag. Why a lazy post? I really have to write a sample column for the arts mag. And other assorted stuff.

Just briefly though - there was a contributor party last night. Was quite fun. Ironic that now that I've decided to leave I should start getting along with my workmates in a social way. They're good people. We're having our Christmas party at the end of this week, so I get to go out with them again. Should be fun.

What was funny with these contributers was that a couple of them told me who they were, and I'd never heard of them. One of the other Eds said the same thing. What the hell was going on? I only met one of the contributors I deal with. Totally cute blonde came over and asked which of us was Mee, and I said me and we talked and I tried not to keep thinking about how totally cute she was. She was pretty cute. And she is a funny and intelligent writer. And somehow I knew from her writing that she was cute. She was cute.

Anyway, the night got totally shit-faced and started slurring its words and falling over, it got a little flirty and a lot messy. I left with someone from work and a group of her friends who were big, rough looking guys. Waiting at the lights at one point, Broken Tooth Guy turned to me and said, "Quick - ya mind if I ask yer a question mate?"

Somehow I knew what was coming and I couldn't help laughing. "Shoot," I told him.

"Are you gay mate?"

Fucking ironic when back at the bar there was a group of flirtygirls doing the flirty thing. I dunno. Thing is when guys like that ask me that question, I interpret as them basically telling me that I have a good sense of style. I can't help wondering why he asked though. Like, what difference does it make? I reassured him that I am straight, and that if I was gay, sorry but he wouldn't be my type. He didn't seem to think that that was as funny as I did.

Oh - at last week's party. Talking to S and her friend C, S said something about C being a lesbian. They laughed a little and S told me that the company that C had started working for was really conservative and that because she has short hair, she feels like she's the office short-haired lesbian.

Without a pause I said to C too loudly and like a simpleton, "I don't have a problem with lesbians. In fact I like lesbians. I'm the kind of cool guy who even has token lesbian friends. So, you know, if you want to talk about lesbian stuff, you just go right ahead because there's nothing wrong with talking about lesbian stuff in front of a cool and open-minded guy like me. Yeah, hehe, lesbians..."

S thought it was funny because she knows me. C wasn't sure for a couple of seconds.

Crap - I have gone on for longer than I intended. Anyway, here's Acid Tongue#788...


I don’t know about your bank, but my bank feels more like a special friend than a bank. It looks after me the way only a true friend can. And generous? Gosh I wish the rest of my friends were as generous as my bank. You don’t have to ask and they raise the limit on your credit card, sending you one of those chirpy letters they’re so good at writing. That increased limit comes in handy when things go pear shaped and you need to live off your credit card for a bit. Sure, you may find yourself juggling things to make repayments and keep up with the hefty interest charges and all those extra account-keeping charges, but hey, at least they keep your line of credit open. And if things temporarily get really pear shaped and there’s a short delay and you’re temporarily overdrawn by a small amount, in steps your special friend with another of those chipper friendship notes informing you that you’re overdrawn, but that the good news is, they’ve covered you to ensure everything is aaaall right. Brings a tear to the eye, really. Of course, they don’t make much fuss about the penalty they’re going to slam you with because they don’t want to take the edge off the “good news.” After all, what kind of friend is it that rains on your parade? Then the bank makes things easier for you to do all your banking on the internet because it’s cheaper and more convenient for everyone... although they then have to start charging you for internet banking too even though they replace the local branch and its humans with a machine that is always out of order so that you’re forced to use an ATM from another bank which incurs yet more fees... but hey, whatever – they have to make their 800 million dollar (after tax) profit somehow. Speaking of internet transactions – you transfer an amount from your account to pay off some of your credit card, and you see the amount vanish from your account, you see your available credit limit immediately adjust up by that amount, but you’re told it’s going to take a day or two to clear and for the amount you owe do drop. Huh? Where does that money go for that day or two? But that’s just nitpicking. My bank is my special friend, and I want to show my love for my special friend; I really want to bend that jolly green dragon over and fuck the bastard right up the arse.

Grumpy