Random Voicemail

Below are a few messages left on our phone. We publish the more creative ones in the mag I work for (until March - it's official). I made up two of them and one was sent as a standard email by a friend (can you guess which ones?) but the rest are real. Enjoy.


SMITE ME
“I actually poured tobacco into my eye and I'm crying outside. I'm coming down the stairs and I'm on a million different levels at the same time and praise the Lord because he smited me good. You wanna talk to Dave? I think you might. Want to come to a tea party?”

I HEART ME
“So... is it so wrong to love yourself? I think if we all just loved ourselves a little more there would be a lot less shit in the world. In fact, you know... if you just stopped worrying about trying to get other people to love you and just loved yourself you'd be much happier. Look at me. I'm happy 'cos I love me. I love meeee. I love me a lot. Ooh. Oooh, naughty me, stop it you horny little me...”

PEN vs HEAD
“Just a few words of advice for up and coming head bangers: if you're going to run into a fuckin' pen at a hundred k an hour, don't do it with a motor cross helmet on your head, 'cos you're gonna fuckin' hurt yourself.”

KILLER
“So I went to the Casino, came out after the State Of Origin and someone had broken into me beach buggy. Fuck me! They took me jacket and me bag and I've been chasing them… trying to hunt them down all night to KILL them... well not kill them, I'm not that kind of person. I don't like to hurt anyone. But I'm really cranky.”

BALD, STINKY SOCKS GUY
“I'd like to report a bald guy lying on the floor. His socks stink. He was the only one out of the 50 or 60 people there who was on the floor. I thought he worked for you, but he didn't. Plus, I wrote to the Ed and he said he loves me. He loves me because I paid out on some people at Coles. Oh yeah - and it was my birthday last Friday. Happy birthday to me...”

EVIL DICKS
“We watched the news on the news last night and went hehee (no one hurt so can laugh) then I went 'GRRRRR DIE HOWARD DIE HOWARD DIE along with DIE BUSH DIE BUSH DIE BLAIR DIE TRIAD OF EVIL DICKS EVIL DICKS.' That is all for now. Toe pie toe pie car pie tennis ko toe coat hanga car pie (I am making up new Maori language I call it Deboraori).”

INTO THE VOID
“I... man... there is a spectacular void. How does that happen? I had it all planned out and it's gone. Where has it gone? I'd better go look for it. If I find it I'll call youse back and let youse know. Bye bye.”

MOISTURE PANTS
“This Lisa Lashes lady… I would just gently massage the camel toe... oh my god - did I just say that? I'm so, so crazy. I am filled with moisture right now. Oh my pants, they are so moisturised... it's crazy my friends.”

MORE MOISTURE PANTS
“My friend Ricardo, he's the moist Dutch man, if want, or if you will. Once upon a Wednesday night he produces paste from his eyebrow, secreting into his nose bag. Spreading it over the thigh region. It's crazy. I would not even touch his thighs unless I have dishwashing liquid ready.”

THE LONELY SONG
“I'm alonnne/ There's no one here besides meeee... (besiiiides meeee...)/ the trees are pink and orange/ and there's some thing greeeen/ My toes smell like bubble gummm/ and my nipples smell like creammm...”

WHAT ARE YOU ON?
“What are you on?” “Nothing.” “What are you on?” “Nothing.” “What are you on?” “Nothing.” “What are you on?” “Nothing.” “What are you on?” “Nothing.” “What are you on?” “Nothing.” “What are you on?” “Naaaaaaarthiiiing.”

NOTHING TO SAY
“What am I talking to you for..?” [Hysterical laughter. Lots of it. Really, LOADS of it]. “I don't have anything to say to Off Ya Dial.” [Barely audible sound of someone mumuring prompts] “Someone bought a new hat.” [Murmurmur]. “And it's pink.” [Murmur]. “Shut up Vanessa.”

POTTY MOUTH
“You dirty rotten tooth ridden vagina, you toasted cheese sandwich you... you fucken putrid faggot... faggot... fak... fak... aaaaayyyy mmmmotherfucker... did I say that?”

ON THE JOB
“Hello. Is that what you expect me to do? The job? Theeee Jooooob. Jobjobjobjobjobjob... joooooob.”

THIEVIN' SEA MONKEYS
“Maddy, can you please come find your number in my phone so I can ring you. Maddy I really need to speak to you, the sea monkeys have my money. The sea monkeys Maddy, the sea monkeys…”