Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Daktory Vending Machine... A True Story With A Bad Accent.


Grumpy is freelance writer and really bad Kiwi impersonator Lee Bemrose (leebemrose666@gmail.com).

If you love a good, true stoner story as much as I do, read on.

A couple of weeks ago it was reported that a cannabis club in West Auckland, New Zealand, had come up with a great way of avoiding being closed down and the licensees being arrested again. The club – called The Daktory after the owner's name Daktor Green - had already been forced to close its door after being raided in 2011.

The cannabis club appeared to be somewhat tolerated as a venue where patrons could consume pot for “medicinal purposes”, but obviously boundaries had been pushed, arrests followed raids and the Daktory closed its doors as a cannabis club and became the headquarters of Norml, the National Organisation for the Reform of Marijuana Laws.

Recently, however, The Daktory reopened for business, with a particularly crafty way of protecting its purveyors of medicinal pot, and it's here that I will take a few modest Grumpy liberties whilst still delivering the facts of the story (apologies for the dodgy accent, eh bro)...

Hey bro. I figured out a way to sell pot without the cops realising who is selling the pot.”

Yeah bro?”

Yeah bro. I was wuth the kuds at the shopping mall, and we spunt like hours man on one of those skull-tester things. You know those glass boxes with the fluffy toys and the luttle crane thung, and you have to puck up the fluffy toys wuth the crane... I could have spent all day watching the little crane thing eh bro, kind of moving across and pucking up the little fluffy heads... it was mesmirising as eh...”

Long pause.

That's a very nice story bro, but is there any more to ut? You said you had a plan bro.”

Ah shit bro, yeah, got side-tracked thunking about the luttle crane thing eh. So anyway, what I was thunking is we take all the fluffy toys out of the skull-tester, and we replace them with bags of mull. That way, the cops can't bust anyone for selling the pot. Smart plan eh bro.”

Ut's almost smart, but have you ever actually managed to puck up a fluffy toy wuth the luttle crane thung? Ut would take us all year to get the toys out of there. And ut would cost us shutloads of coin.”

Nah bro – I checked that out and there's a luttle door where they put the fluffy toys in the glass box, so we just hire the machine bro and make ut empty before we put the pot unside.”

Really? A luttle door? That would speed the process up a but. But then... it's stull so hard to actually grab anything with that luttle crane thung. If it can't pick up a fluffy toy I'm not sure of our chances of pucking up bags of mull bro, eh.”

Long silence.

But hey bro! I've got it. We can use your basic concept but wuth a vending machine instead of a skull-tester. Then the punters can just put their money un and out pops their pot bro.”

Awesome idea bro. AND we can also put Tum-Tams and Wagon Wheels in there as well. Kull two birds wuth one stone bro, eh bro.”

And Chokitos. I like Chokitos heaps eh.”

Hmm. And no one gets busted dealing. Unless...”

Unless what bro?”

What uf the cops install undercover vending machines?”

End of dodgy New Zealand accent. Basically, the club did install pot-dispensing vending machines in an attempt to fool the police, but a week later arrests have been made and the club has been forced to close its doors again. Seems the cops weren't fooled. Whether that was a result of undercover vending machines is unknown.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Grumpy With Celebritism

I keep forgetting to scan and post these. This is a few months old now and I had forgotten about it. Found it neglected and sobbing in the corner today and thought I'd make it feel better by finally posting it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Haven't Stopped, Just Taking A Breather

Treading water right now. Content enough in a pedestrian job but have my fingers crossed for an eventful 2012.

Until I write more, here are a few photos from a recent adventure. I live for these parties.

Currently reading Nam Le's The Boat. Loving it. Makes me feel excited about writing again. Do pick up a copy. Very good writing.

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Oh The Places You'll Go

Man I love this so much. I think Dr Seuss would like it too. I hope I make it to Burning Man in the next couple of years, but aside from the visuals in this clip, it's the story. I love the grounded optimism behind it. It really is quite beautiful.

Grumpy With Conspiracy Theorists

I haven't been posting all of my Grumpy columns because I'm a bit slack. Either that or I've been taken over by lizard aliens who think it's in the wider population's best interests that not all of my Grumpy columns be read.

I was reminded of this semi-recent column after reading that some sheriff in Arizona has fluffed up the Obama birth certificate conspiracy theory again. It's the conputer generated/layer thing again. It's not new news... in fact it's not news at all. Interesting that the sheriff in question demands an investigation into this old chestnut at the time he himself is under investigation for racial profiling (apparentlyhe don't care much for Latino types in his parts). Also, apparently, this layering in electronic copies of scanned documents is common and does not prove a document has been forged.

And yet conspiracy theorists jump on it. Thing with conspiracy theorists is that it doesn't matter what the conspiracy, they will subscibe to it. For them, nothing is random. There are no coincidences. There is just a great, all-powerful sinister force manipulating everything.

I wrote this Grumpy around the time of the approach of doomsday commet Elenin, whic many believed was going to flip the Earth over or something. What did it do again? Oh that's right - not a Goddamn thing.

I feel sorry for the doomsday wishers and conspiracy theorists. They create so much angst for themselves.