Thursday, January 07, 2010



Sitting at a doof, talking bollocks to a friend. Two dogs come thundering by, yapping at each other and generally just impossibly happy. But happy about what? Happy to be dogs. Doesn't matter what happens around them, they are dogs and they are bloody happy about that. Armageddon? Doesn't matter – we're dogs!

“But listen, dogs, it's God here and I have an offer for you. Being dogs must be fun and everything but it has its drawbacks too. Your body odour isn't always sensational, you have fleas to deal with, dog food, smelling each others bottoms all the time etc. If you could be another creature, what would it be?”


“No no no. You don't understand. I'm giving you the opportunity of being absolutely any other creature in the world. You name it, you're it.”

“DOGS! Fucking love being dogs!”

“Right... so not humans with their opposable thumbs and... and spoons and iPods and -”

“Nup – dogs mate. Just dogs. It's awesome being dogs. We totally love being dogs! Being Dogs is the best! Woooo!”

“But humans have the Internet and socks and... okay. Forget humans. Not my best work, just between you and me. They really lost me when they came up with that telemarketing sub-species. Urgh. But what about, I dunno, dolphins?”


“Meerkats? Meerkats are adorable.”


“You could be butterflies? Butterflies are beautiful.”

“No way! Dogs! Dogs dogs dogs!”

“Aw c'mon. It can't be that good. What about... imagine being a lion. King of the jungle...”

“Technically it's king of the savannah. And nup – DOGS! Yay dogs!”

“The savannah? Are you correcting me on this? Your creator?”

“You bet. Lions live in the savannah. Look it up. Faaaarck we like being dogs. Dogs totally rock!”

“This is ridiculous. Being dogs can't possibly be that good. What about... what about dragons?”

“DAWGS... dragons? You could do that? With the wings and the fire breathing?”

“Ha. Gotcha. Yes, I am God and I can make you anything, even dragons. Whaddaya say?”

“Naaah, dogs mate! We heart being dogs! Dogs forever!”

Sitting at a doof. More or less an actual conversation. It went on for quite some time but I think we'll leave it here.

Grumpy is Lee Bemrose, freelance writer. Contact him at


Kathryn said...

Lee, I am dangerously in love with that dog. Not grossly dangerous but it's still sick. Nice work.

Lee said...

I think Baxter would have a crush on him too.

bohémienne said...

Opposable thumbs are seriously overrated.

Lee said...

As are humans. I hadn't realised you were still about, Bo. Sweet.

Pure Gin! said...

I heart this post so much.

Lee said...

Thanks, Gin. I enjoy writing the Grumpy column, but it's just that little bit better when you hear someone enjoyed reading. Thanks for the sweet tweet too. Please feel free to send a link to whoever else you think will enjoy it.