Sitting in a pub. A woman sitting at another table comes back from the toilet with a bit of her long skirt apparently tucked into her panties. Her arse isn't on display or anything, it's just pretty obvious that there's a bit of wardrobe malfunction going on. For some reason she continues to stand and talk to her friend, and I'm really hoping she'll realise what's happened because it just looks a bit... it just looks a bit... wrong.
I lean over to The Dreaded One (so called because of her fluro dreads) and tell her, “I really feel it's my duty to tell her that her skirt is tucked into her panties.”
Almost on cue, however, the woman must feel something is not right because she reaches behind and tugs frantically and not as discreetly as she would like at the skirt. It takes a bit longer than is probably desirable (it's a full length skirt and there are many folds to be negotiated in a quietly frantic way) but finally the bit of hem is extracted from the panties. Phew. She quickly looks around to see if anyone noticed what just happened, knowing that that probably everyone saw what just happened.
I lean over to the Dreaded One without missing a beat and tell her, “I now really feel it's my duty to tell her that she's got a small bit of poo-stained toilet paper stuck to the bit of skirt that was just stuck in her panties.”
There is no poo-stained toilet paper, but the idea has amused me.
Not so much The Dreaded One. “That's disgusting,” she says.
“You wouldn't say that,” I assure her, “if Billy Connolly had said it.”
I lean over to The Dreaded One and tell her, “Och, ya noo, ah feel it's mah dooty ta tell the lass that there's a wee bit 'o poo-stained bog roll attached to her skirt.”
If I'm not capturing it here in writing, trust me that in real life it was a damned fine Scottish accent. And The Dreaded One's reaction? Sprayed her drink and almost fell off her chair laughing.
I propose an International Talk Like A Glaswegian Day. It will be the funniest day of the year.
Grumpy is Lee Bemrose, freelance writer. Contact him at email@example.com