Saturday, September 14, 2013

Vladmir Is Welcomed To The Gang

As you may or may not know, I've been slowly losing the vision in my left eye for a few years now. It's pretty bad. I can see, but my central vision is so bad that if I look at your face through my left eye only, I probably won't recognise you. Your face will be a grey smudge. I can make things disappear by looking through my left eye only. Faces, objects,  some colours... they all disappear. I'm like some kind of visionary magician.

I've realised that my left eye is affecting my overall vision and that if I look through my right eye only, things are clearer. Solution? Eye patch.

Today after realising that I actually should experiment with an eye patch, after years of joking about eye patch wearers and going to fancy dress parties as a pirate, the conversation as we walked along Southbank went a little like it usually does.

"Yep," I announced after putting my hand over my left eye, "I think I definitely need to try wearing an eye patch."

"Really?"  The Dreaded One asked.

"Yeah. I might lose depth perception but that's happening anyway. At least when I look through my right eye only, everything is clear. Lines are straight."

"Okay. Maybe you should do it then."


A long, thoughtful silence followed.

"Thing is, I'd look like a pretty scary fucker with an eye patch."

"Yes. Yes you would."

"So what's happening in my head right now... if I have this shaved-head-and-eye-patch thing going and someone started talking to me at a party and they asked me what my name is, I would say Vladmir. I am Vladmir Smirnoff, pronounced Shmeeeernoff. Said with an impressive Russian accent."

"Oh. Hello, Vladmir. So, like, what do you do?"

"I am an assassin."

"Oh really? Cool. I guess you must be a pretty hands on kind of assassin. Hand-to-hand stuff?"

"Why do you make this assumption?"

"Well you couldn't be a sniper, with the depth percetion stuff and everything."

"I will have you know that Vladmir Shmeernoff is the number one assasin at the Hit Or Miss Assassination Agency."

The Dreaded One took all of this in.

"So this is what happens when you talk about sorting out your eye sight. You have to invent a new character."

"Apparently. I think Grumpy, Black Rainbow, Bra Pee, Loose Cannon, Monterey Jack and Stagger Lee will welcome Vlad to the gang."


Ann said...

who was that guy with the really annoying generic European accent that talked in ever increasing random circles? He was soooo annoying but I don't think he ever had a name did he?

Lee Bemrose said...

Oh him. Fuck. I couldn't stop speaking in that accent for 48 hours. He needs a name because he is the efharisto guy. He deserves a name. For this reminder, efharisto my darling, efharisto.