Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Mighty Thor Fucks Up A Bit. In The Post Office. Innit.


The queue in the post office reaches from the counter back to the entry door, then veers sharply to the left and back down until it almost reaches the counter again. Some days it goes to the right. It has a mind of its own.

I join the end of the queue and spend a thousand years waiting and shuffling forward. It is not the most fun I've ever had.

As I get to the bendy bit and turn back towards the counter just in time to celebrate my 76th birthday, a lady who is actually about 76 casually merges. She just kind of appears and then is part of the queue. We are standing side by side, but I am not in the mood for letting little old ladies push in front of me, no matter how crinkly the corners of their eyes are or how kindly they appear. I step forward and make it clear that in such situations, I am the entirely wrong man to meddle with. Quite simply, you do not want to fuck me around. Bitch.

For a while I am content with the situation because I have not lost my place in the queue and if anyone further back in the line feels an injustice has been done, it is up to them to sort things out. It's a dog eat dog world. Every man for himself. There ain't no Superman or Batman or Thor or Wonderwoman. Just the way it is.

But then I do what I should almost never do - I think to myself, "What would Thor do if he were standing in a post office queue and an old lady cut in and queue jumped?"

He would stand up for the little people, is the answer. So.

I turn on this old woman with her endearingly crinkly eyes and her powdery scent as she acts so innocent and grandmotherly and I say to her, "You do realise you've just cut in on all these other people, don't you."

"Pardon?"

"The queue," I tell her. "It goes all the way over there and turns and goes all the way down there. You've cut in front of all those people."

"No I didn't. I wouldn't do that."

Right now I am pretty sure Thor would be donging this selfish old bitch over the head with his hammer, but I am a more reasonable superhero than that - even if my intolerance of injustice dwarfs that of all superheroes combined. I glance down the line and see that the entire queue's population is watching my defense against this heinous wrong-doing.

"I just saw you push in - "

Hell Granny says nothing because a chorus of others leap to her defense and tell me, "No, she didn't push in. She's fine. She was standing there all along. You just didn't see her. You were a million miles away off in your own little world like you always are, Lee."

The entire fucking queue is nodding its support.

I'm not sure what Thor would do in such a situation, but I apologise profusely and pout and go a bit red in the face and shuffle a lot and wish I was The Invisible Man instead of Thor who is, apparently, a bit of a twat.

5 comments:

EmmaK said...

Very funny. I've been tempted to say that to old ladies who think that just cos they're old they can push in, but I never have. And after that tale, I never will.

Kathryn said...

Look. Grannies can get away with almost anything and it should be stopped Now. Good on you for saying something.

I was standing on a bus next to that space where stuff can be placed near the front and whilst turning a corner I was violently thrown up upon it and bruised to fuck. An 80 yr-old granny had just rammed into the side of the bus. I looked around in shock while rubbing my hip bone and I heard everyone hiss "bloody old woman."

Melograna said...

I notice little old ladies doing this all the time. I reckon they must have been training for years to be so good at it, so I've already started my training. I plan on being the champion line-cutting sweet old lady.

So what I do is, I cut in in front of them, and then when they object I smile sweetly and imply that they are senile. It's surprisingly effective as a tactic.

(You think I'm joking, but I'm not. I. Don't. Wait. In. Line. That's for the little people).

bohémienne said...

Oh, yes, do not doubt Melograna. She does that. She pretends that one is senile or insane or just generally stupid, when one is clearly not. One is just ... slightly confused and muddled.

I've never much liked Thor. I think the Incredible Hulk would have been much more effective in that situation. No one would have expected you to understand or take note... you could have just become very angry and thrown her about.

quick said...

Gawd Emma - I thought about saying something and I almost didn't say anything but then Goddamnit I said something. Shouldn't have said anything.

No Kat - I said the wrong thing. She really had not pushed in. I looked like a jerk. (Hmm... bloody meddling old woman made me look like a jerk?).

Having this insight into your Lines Are For Little People philosophy, Melograna, my inner Thor looks forward to encountering you as line jumping Melogranny. I shall have my revenge at last.

Bohemienne - I'm not sure I ever really got what Thor was about either. I think it was a case of being forced to nominate a favourite superhero when young and due to our shared flaxen locks, Thor was it.