My latest Grumpy column as it appears in the current issue of Tsunami mag.
For overseas readers, the ear wax thing is in reference to the background footage of our newly-elected Prime Minister savouring the taste of the contents of his ear during Parliament Question Time. Even as a 50 year-old he looks like a primary school boy and acts like one too.
I got car-jacked on Saturday November 26 2007. Never happened to me before. I’m driving home from work at around midnight and it seems all the loonies are out. Piss-heads everywhere, spilling out of pubs and staggering about in the streets. One such piss-head steps in front of the car and begs me to stop. She doesn’t appear to be Paris Hilton so I hit the brake instead of the accelerator. She opens the back door and waves to her friends.
“Not a taxi,” I tell her.
“I know,” she replies as she gets in. “But can you please give me and my friends a ride? Thank you.”
Her friends clamber into the back seat and it quickly becomes obvious that I am now sharing my car with The Three Drunkest Women There Ever Were. And happy? Fuck me they were happy.
“We’re rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeally happeeeee,” they tell me through the mayhem of balloons and streamers and six-packs of cheap fizzy drink that is now the back of my car. “Thangyoo fer giving uz a lift. Thang yooo. Wooooo!”
There’s traffic behind me by now, honking at me, so I move on, telling my passengers in a tone that will not be argued with that I’m taking them as far as the next major intersection and no further.
“That’s cool. That’s sweet. THANG YOO! It’s Kevin ’07. Wooo!”
And it dawns on me that that’s what this is all about. The ear wax gobbler is now our Prime Minister and people are celebrating this? That 50 year old choir boy has ousted George Bush’s girlfriend as PM and people think this is wooo-worthy?
“Here. Have a lollie,” one of the pissed sisters tells me as she gives me a lollie. “Everyone gedz a lollie. It came from John Howard’s head. It wuz a pinyada. Smacked the crap out of it and there were lollies inside which we didn’t realise there were until we realised…”
“Yeah, we juz wanted to smack hizheadub with tha stig... fugger’s gone now... wooo!”
But he hasn’t gone. Kevin “Me Too” Rudd will be on the phone every day of his Prime Ministership asking his idol, “John – if you were still PM, how would you handle the situation? Because that’s what I will do too.”
As for wasting perfectly good booze celebrating anything political, it’s just un-Australian. I just don’t know what’s gotten into you lot.
Have a happy festive season please. See you in Kevin “My Ear Wax I Ate” ’08.