Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Brainspill

Too much thinking lately. Too much to think about. I don't know how I get involved with other humans but I kind of wish I didn't. There's much more peace down that road. I guess maybe the trick is, if I really feel this way, the lesson to be learned and to remember is that when you feel yourself being pulled into their world, pull out early because if I don't get out early it'll become this thing I take on board and I'll think and think and think. And sometimes I don't want to think about other humans and their troubles.

I'm getting this thinky shit from all angles. Examples? Try this one: I got facebooked from someone from my childhood. Met this kid way back in primary school. We were mates. Then I move away to other schools in other shitty parts of other cities before returning to my home suburb during highschool years. Met the same mate and we were friends again. I didn't like school at all, couldn't wait for it to be over. I was a really quiet kid, felt like a loner but managed to have some kind of group of friends. Ha - just remembered one kid telling another kid something about "Bemrose's group". I do remember we were always getting into some kind of trouble. I do recall usually being the ideas guy. I think this was why the teachers regarded me so strangely; couldn't figure out why this shy boy was always where something was going on. Thing they never knew is the stuff they caught us for was a fraction of what we did.

I lose touch with this guy and he reapperas years later. Same deal as it ever was only we're adults, still carrying on like kids.

Guy appears, then fades out. Reappears yet again years later. By now we're fully grown up. Things have changed now though. There are partners and he's got kids and a career although I couldn't tell you what he does. Last time I saw him it was a typical wife and kids encounter. Mainly it was about the kids or kid, can't remember. I just remember accepting that something was lost. No drama because this is what happens. Worst thing you can do is try to recapture the past. Saddest thing is dredging memories to fill in a stilted silence.

Out of the blue I get facebooked by the same guy. Fuck, it's been years and I just don't know what to make of it. He doesn't sound happy and I'm strangely moved by this. I'm moved that he keeps making the effort to get in touch. It's been ten years this time since I've had any contact with this guy I've known since I was a scabby-kneed boy, and a lot has happened in that ten years. Lost a catering company. Got into dance music. Started writing a humour column. Became music editor of a dance music mag. Short story award. Short stories published in litmags and anthologies and a crime mag. Features in magazines all over the place. Interviewed famous people. Opened a clothing store. Cheffed at The Sydney Opera House. I've DJ'd and travelled to Turkey for a dance festival and to experience a total solar eclipse. I write all this down and send it to him, knowing that I'm not successful, but I've done some stuff.

And yeah, he's not happy. He's got a good job and a good car in a nice place but he's not happy because of the things he doesn't have or the things he hasn't done, and I feel for him, even though he doesn't know that I don't have things either, that I regret the things I haven't done too. He seems impressed with my stuff.

So I'm thinking and I'm thinking, wondering what the point of it all is. I think in the firt post I wrote on this blog, I was in a similar mood. Will have to check on that. Think I was a bit concerned about the fact that we're all going to die. Now, though, it's not the fact of dying but the looking back. It's a head-fuck because what's the point of anything.

It's the experience, I know. It's the stuff. It's the dancing and the laughing and the being there for people you love. It's doing something because you cared. Everything you do, you should care about it. If you don't care, don't do it.

Then again, I don't know. What's the point even when you care?

Another example: place I work at, this old guy comes in to deliver his fruit and vegetables. He's in his 70s and doesn't take a day off. When asked about why he doesn't take a day off he says with a bemused laugh, "Why would I do that? I wouldn't know what to do with myself." Shakes his head as he walks away, thinking it's the most stupid thing he's ever heard. My boss thinks it's great - guy that old just wants to keep working.

I think it's the saddest fucking thing I've heard all day. Stupid old prick. Do you really look back on your life and think you were put here to deliver fruit and veg? Bet the fucker spends hours stuck in city traffic listening to his favourite shock jock and thinks life doesn't get any sweeter. Way to miss the point, old guy.

But what do I know? Maybe he grows the produce himself and sees the good that is there in getting his goods to the customer. Suddenly I'm thinking about that Raymond Carver short story, A Small, Good Thing. The baker in that story, he just loved baking. Loved the early mornings, loved the purity of the process of baking, loved making people happy.

So what do I know? I know shit. I don't want to think about people and their problems or the past because it just gets me down. You can't do a damn thing about any of it so why waste your time thinking about it? Do your own stuff in there here and now. Make someone laugh. Tell someone you love that you love them. Tell them at a random moment that you're one lucky fucker to have them in your life. Dance like a fool with some friends. Roll down a grassy hill. Feel - really feel - the strength in a lingering hug and appreciate that as a really beautiful thing because the person giving you that hug wants to give it to you, and once they were a stranger. How cool is that? And the smile. When a person's face lights up simply because they've seen you, drink that in because living just doesn't get any better. And give it back. Be frugal with your smiles because they mean more then, but mean it when you do give them out. Make 'em mean something.

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm writing here. It's just brainspill. I haven't been writing enough and for all the good stuff there is other stuff. Things being taken away. I don't know. I think I need to write more. Can't get my stories published and I really said fuck them this time, but I don't think that's the answer. I think I need to be like the old delivery guy. I need to get that thing back where I can't imagine taking a day off from writing. Was a time when I would have laughed at the very idea - Why would I take a day off? I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

12 comments:

isabelle said...

I've been feeling pretty much the same way recently.
I'm not sure what the answer is other than those you suggest. Perhaps it's to be authentic in all that you do.

Anyway, from thousands of miles away, a person you have never met and most likely, never will, is thinking about you and smiling along with you , and knows just how you feel. How cool is that ? xx

Lee said...

It is very cool, Isabelle. Thank you :)

Guyana-Gyal said...

I woke up this morning thinking, what if I can't write anymore? What does writing mean to me? Why do I NEED to write?

Brainspill is good.

I wish you could write more even if you don't remember why you need to write.

Kathryn said...

You're totally awesome and I like you and your writing.

Lee said...

Why do you need to write, GG? (Am glad you do).

I don't think I'm totally awesome, Kat. I'm just mostly awesome :)

What is totally awesome is that we're okay. I like that.

Y said...

Well it's all about doing what you enjoy and enjoying what you do, right? One of our meat delivery guys is the happiest person I've ever come across. You could say, he "only" delivers meat, but I've seen people in greater positions than he who are far less happy. Who's winning the game of life then?

Loved the read but noticing there are far less brainspills these days, Lee. Hope someone isn't mopping you up.

Lee said...

Agreed, Y. But I feel a bit sorry for people who wrap themselves up so much in their way of paying the bills that they don't have a self away from their job self. It's a brilliant thing if you work at something you are passionate about (you are fortunate in that respect and you are so good at what you do), I just think it's pretty rare.

People in menial jobs don't do it because they are passionate about it, they're just trying to get by... look I know what you mean. That's why I doubted myself about our delivery guy; who am I to judge? Maybe there's real happiness there and good on him. I understand that this is possible. I just feel sad about people not knowing what they'd do with themselves away from their job.

Less brainspills of late because I'm more rudderless than ever. I don't know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing, although I think this brainspill and what triggered it has given me a little direction. Am working on stuff. Hoping to write more.

Word verification is sibling. Is that funny Kat?

Kathryn said...

Ha, that is funny, actually. It's good. :)

Lee said...

:)

Johnny said...

Lee, more brainspills please. That was excellent! Thanks!

Lee said...

Thank you Mr Sticks. Glad you still drop by. These brainspills... they're literally thinking out loud in the moment. Sometimes it's nice to be able to construct a story to try to understand stuff, sometimes you just have to pour it out. In the end, I have no idea.

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