It's a Dream, You Idiot

Grumpy - It's a Dream, You Idiot.

Last night I had a dream. I was hanging out with an old friend. Not old in age – she's younger than I am, but we've been friends for a long time. We're buddies. Mates. We do the kind of things buddies and mates do together. We phone each other up when we feel like a bit of a chat. Sometimes we go to the movies or out for drinks and talk shit. You know the kind of person. We all have them. They're easy to hang out with. They've known you for long enough that they've decided that your foibles are worth putting up with because you're a good egg. And you think they're a pretty good egg too. (Is that a thing? 'Good egg'? Do people say that or have I just made it up? It sounds like a thing. Must look it up...)

I don't recall exactly what my friend and I were doing in the dream, but I was quite shocked when she started rubbing herself suggestively against me. It was just not something I ever expected her to do... I'm going to have to give her a name, but not a girl's name in case I give her identity away or give someone else the wrong idea that it was them... let's call her Egg.

“Egg! What in the hell do you think you're doing?”

“I'm feeling you up, Grumpy. Feels nice, huh? You wanna fool around?”

I moved away. “No. We can't fool around. It's us. We're mates.”

“Mates can fool around. C'mon. Haven't you ever thought about us doing it? I have.”

Her arms were like tentacles, all over me. It was insane. What the hell did she think she was doing? There had absolutely never been any indication that this kind of thing was going to happen. Ever. We've been really, really drunk together and been on benders but had never done anything remotely resembling what was going on here. This was really shocking. What was she thinking?

“Come on Egg. Stop it. This is ridiculous. Stop it. Stop it! Get off me!”

“Stop being silly, Grumpy. It's not ridiculous – it's sexy. Here, give me your hand and -”

She totally made me feel her breasts, and although not altogether unpleasant it was just so utterly, utterly wrong. We're both in relationships... what was The Dreaded One going to say when she found out that Egg made me touch her on the boobs?

I realised with a kind of horror that it was more like Egg was feeling my hands with her breasts, and I was kind of paralysed, just unable to move properly away. Not only that but Egg was really getting into it.

It was the most awful thing ever. We were going to get into so much trouble if anyone found out... and yet... nice boobies...

“NononononononononononononostopitEggstopitatonceverybadthingswillhappen... your arse feels really nice, btw...”

“Mmm... mmmmmmm... touch me here, Grrrrrumpy. Ooh yeah, that feels so hot...”

“Seriously, no. This is so wrong. If The Dreaded -”

I was cut of by what can only be described as a voice-over. A very commanding voice came over a kind of dream PA system and said, “It's a dream, you idiot.”

I looked around in confusion. “What?”

“I said it's a dream, you idiot. Just go for it.”

I thought for a moment. The voice, which sounded quite a lot like my voice, was making a very good point. This was a dream. This wasn't really Egg, it was dream Egg. And this wasn't real me, it was dream me. And this wasn't real sex, it was drea-

Suddenly Batman was bitch-slapping Robbin and saying, “We fucking get it!”

And then Grumpy and Egg... that is, dream Grumpy and dream Egg were totally getting it on. And it was hot. Egg was sensational. And I'm happy to say that I was really, really good.

“See?” Egg said afterwards. “How fun was that? We should totally do it again sometime. We could do it every night... every night... night... night...”

Then I woke up and felt very odd. Such a vivid dream. Egg and I... we did it. And it was really good. And perfectly okay because we can't help what happens in our dreams, right? And there would be no repercussions. Not even if we did it every night.

I trudged upstairs and flicked the lappy on, thinking that the voice-over bit was pretty damned funny. I had to share this with Facebook.

And suddenly there were repercussions.

The Dreaded One was not impressed. “It's a bit creepy, isn't it?”

“Creepy?” I repeated, hurt. “It's funny. Hehe... the voice-over saying it's a dream, you idiot.”

“But what's it going to be like when you see Egg – and I don't want to know who Egg is, by the way. All the girls are going to want to know who it is and...”

I palmed the air. “All right. All right. I'll delete it. It's good material but I won't use it on Facebook.”

“Good. Very sensible of you.”

“I'm a very sensible man. We'll just keep this between you and me.”

Grumpy is freelance writer and dream lover Lee Bemrose (leebemrose666@gmail.com)

It's A Dream, You Idiot

I just had a dream in which a friend was hitting on me, was really pushing for sex. I was refusing because it would be wrong - we're both in relationships. But she kept pushing (literally) and I kept saying no and moving away (even though part of me thought it would be shitloads of fun).

Then a voiceover came on and said, "It's a dream, you idiot. Go for it."

I said oh yeah, you're right. So I went for it. We really got into it. I... erm... went down on my friend and she had the most amazing, long and loud orgasm. It was quite beautiful and as sexy as it gets.

But we didn't go further because suddenly there were other people in the room, and although they seemed to be taking all this nudity and sex in their stride and not judging us, we knew that even if it was a dream there were still limitations. The door swung open and people were walking past, glancing in but walking on by.

So we got dressed and my friend kissed me and told me next time it was my turn. We basically made a date for next time.

And I woke up feeling pretty fucking odd.

Horse Dreaming

I have a post coming soon about band riders (that wish list of stuff they have delivered to their changeroom). But first, this...

Weird dreams lately. Last night I had this really vivid one of someone coming to the front door of my house (not my real house now, but it was my house in the dream) riding a horse. The door was open and the horse wanted to come in, which it did minus the rider. It was a bit restless and stompy and agitated but I took it and calmed it and lead it from one end of the house to the other. It was surreal and strangely cute. So weird to have such a large animal inside the house. It seemed happy and curious. We got to the back door and I lead it up some stairs and back onto the road outside where the horse's rider ran up and climbed back on. I was left feeling amused by it all.

Just a few minutes ago I looked up dream symbols and found this about horses: "The Horse is a very strong dream symbol. It represents death."

Just like that. Way to give me the willies, dream people.

Wishies

Had such extended, vivid dreaming last night. Could understand where some of it came from, didn't get some of it but just felt it meant something. There was a feeling of portent and fear. Something ain't right.

Still, what do you do? Sent off what I feel is one of my best short stories to a mag overseas (it's a dark love story... will I ever stop writing about love?) and have started compiling some funny stuff to approach agents and publishers with.

Meantime, I read about wishies while reading Isabelle's blog. I like the idea of something called a wishie.

Book Club

I've mentioned before that I think my brain has a lot of fun when I'm dreaming and not at the controls. Here's more proof that I have a jokey brain...

Dream goes I meet a friend of mine from a few years back. Her family has taken over Men's Health magazine which I've written a couple of features for (in real life, not in the dream). Long lost friend was always a bit of a prude so it's no real surprise she took out all the bare-chested stuff that's always given the mag's gay connotations.

In the dream, sales were fine for the first issue without the gay connotations. Second issue, not so good. Third issue... things are desperate. My Friend needs the Gordon Ramsay of Magazines With Gay Connotations.

I say hello Former Friend... What's up?

I get the gist and get all Gordon Ramsay on her ass and say you have to put back all the chesty stuff. In fact I'm so talented in this dream that I say we have to start promoting that new movie. Lets do a photo shoot with lots of bare torso'ed guys who are members of a book club, because the movie is called Book Club.

Which is totally gay.

My friend goes ooh, all right, if we have to.

I say yeah, it'll be great. The movie is called Bookclub, and it's about all these hunky bare torso guys getting together each week to talk about books. And you have this guy who looks like Brad Pit who says, "The first rule of Book Club is you DO NOT talk about Bookclub."

And in the dream my friend was chuffed because she thought I was brilliant and I was chuffed because I thought I was brilliant and but and then I woke up and went what? What?

Silly brain.

Note To Brain

I've finally figured out what's going on when I dream. I assume we all have pretty fucked up dreams. It's other universes in there, isn't it. Rules in the waking world just don't apply. You can fly, see people you haven't seen in years, run into new creatures, long dead pets, have sex in the street with complete strangers... anything goes. It's brilliant.

But do you ever get those dreams that wake you up because they seem so loaded with symbolisim that you spend the day wondering what the hell they were trying to tell you? You tell bored friends or workmates about them and hope they will come up with an interpretation. You might even log onto a dream interpretation website because the dream in which your teeth fell out or your cat spoke to you or your willie suddenly turned into a quite lovely vagina when you took your place at the trough, it just had to mean something, right?

Anyway, it just struck me recently that none of it means a damn thing. Last night, for example, I dreamed that I was looking at a group shot of friends. First thing that leapt out at me was that in the photo, I was fat. I was as fat as the fattest I had been in my life (which was not obese, it's just that I don't do fat well at all. I need to be thin). In the dream, I was quietly devastated because in the waking world - my dreamself was aware - I had lost a bit of weight recently and am again precisely as thin as I am meant to be.

What did it mean? What was this dream trying to tell me?

Nothing. Nothing at all. It was simply my brain playing a joke on me. It's a braingag. My brain knew the effect inserting a fatty photo would have on me and was laughing its brain-arse off.

Well ho ho, Brain, I hope you've been enjoying all your little brainpranks because now that I'm on to you, it's game on. We'll see who comes out of this little joke war laughing last.