Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Ignorance in The Theatre

I'm at the theatre alone, so rather than loiter out in the lobby I go inside and take my seat, watching all the shiny people make their way inside. I soak up the pre-show buzz... whilst yes occasionally glancing at the empty seat beside me and sighing at my lack of plus one (sigh).

A group of about five start to make their way along my row from the far end and it soon becomes obvious that their seats are at the far end to the entrance, but rather than walk around the bank of seats and up to the row via the stairs at the other end, they've decided to do the Scyooze Me shuffle and make everyone pull their knees up. Quite clearly, they are Very Stupid People.

The fuckers actually loiter in my vicinity and talk amongst themselves and I am quite fucking pissed off by this. They are clearly having trouble figuring out where their seats are. I manage to pull off a glare without quite looking directly at them.

Utter twats, I think, how fucking retarded do you have to be to have such difficulty finding your seat in a theatre. It's just rows and numbers, you numbnuts - why all the discussion? How did you get this far in life. Boggles the fucking mind.

They move on, thank God, and loiter at the other end of my row. They look unbelievably lost and unforgivably stupid. Really - some people.

Then one of the fuckers starts making his way back... fuck me what IS their problem?

The fucker bends down to me and says, "Erm... we think that maybe... we were looking at the seats and we thought you might be sitting in one of our seats."

I have never been more superior or so dismissive. "C 38," I mutter with contempt. "Be gone nincanpoop." (I say that last bit with a silently raised eyebrow).

Fucker looks at his ticket. "Well that's the thing. We think this is row D."

A quick check and I find that the fucker is right. I apologise and stand and make a nuisance of myself as I 'scuse myself and make people pull their knees in as I make my way to the real C 38.


Kathryn said...

Haha. That must've been so embarrassing. :)

At least you didn't smack into a glass door at a coffee shop and everyone clapped at your sheer clumsyness. Why the hell do they have to have glass doors? Was bruised for yonks.

Re: BM. Brilliant!

Y said...

Hahaha! Silly silly :) Where was your plus one? Work?

Guyana-Gyal said...

Heehee. Talk about a let down of attitude, from up there to down, haha.

I did this on a plane. Arguing with the person whose seat it was too.

quick said...

Oh I dunno Kat - I have my share of running into glass door stories. Once is kind of okay... when you stagger back and go oh shit that hurt, then take a charge at the same door again with the same result, no living it down. (Only try this when very stoned).

Not sure where my plus one was, Y. Main one was probably at work. But sometimes I like to go alone anyway. It's real me time. I go to the theatre and usually take a long walk home. I get ponderous, man, really ponderous.

That would be a let down of altitude, GG.

meva said...

Lovely, lovely story!

Btw, what is the etiquette for shuffling along a row of seated patrons? Should you shuffle along facing the stage and turn around every now and then to apologise, or should you shuffle along with your back to the stage so that the poor people who got there earlier don't have to suffer your bum stuck in their faces?

(I favour the crotch to face manoeurvre, rather than the bum to face scenario.)

quick said...

Meva - Why can I not read your blog?

Re theatre 'scuse me etiquette... I agree that crotch to face is preferable to bum to face. BUT there is this kind of sideways one you can do too where you walk straight ahead, bend your walking knees away from the tucked up knees of the seated ones, and hold on to the heads of the most convenient heads for stability.

Perfectly acceptable. Trust me.

Guyana-Gyal said...

You had me there for a while then you said, 'hold on to the heads of the most convenient heads for stability.'

Now I can't stop laughing.

sydney arts journo said...


quick said...

GG - can you imagine seeing someone do that?

Brilliant was the last thing I felt at the time, Mr AJ.

Also, the line about a silently raising an eyebrow has been amusing me all week. Is it possible to raise an eyebrow noisily?

Chris Boyd said...

Jeez, Q, was it one of those "Angry Young Man" plays? ;-)


I'm a groin to face kinda guy, incidentally. Profuse with my "scuse-me, thank-you, wot nice shoes, if I could twist around like that I wouldn't need a chiropractor" repartee...

quick said...

Not really, Chris. But I was certainly briefly and pointlessly angry. Very silly.

Girl Clumsy said...

Thats brilliant.

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in public displays of embarrassment!