Wednesday, March 28, 2007

A Nice Fuck Up

When I was at this performance a guy sat down at the table and bumped it so hard that a few glasses of wine completely tipped over. Guy was a dick, just sat down and pretended nothing had happened. The table cloth was soaked and everyone was staring in disbelief, like what the hell just happened? I said let's all lift everything off the table and at least get rid of the table cloth, which we did. The guy said sorry and stared at the as yet empty stage. Two women beside me asked what he was going to do about their wine (Dreaded One and I had a bottle, natch, which hadn't spilled). His boyfriend said it wasn't his fault. The women asked whose fault it was then. The guy pouted and said do you expect me to buy you drinks? They said that would be the decent thing to do. I couldn't believe he was trying not to. He reluctantly gave in, looking grumpily into his wallet as he left the table. The show commenced while he was away and we didn't see him again. His boyfriend glanced at his watch a couple of times but mainly laughed and enjoyed the show. God knows what happened to the bumble arse. The women murmured to each other from time to time, no doubt speculating about the what had become of their drinks. I really felt for them because they had done nothing wrong and had just had that edge taken off what was going to be (and was really) a fun night out.

At one point I leaned over and said to The Dreaded One, "I think we should offer them some of our wine."

To which she replied, "Yeah, you would."

Then last night The Dreaded One told me that she had a dream that we were at a restaurant on a beautiful sunny day and we scored a great table with a brilliant view. It was a table for six but the waiter gave it to us anyway because it was the last empty table. Then a group of six came in and she was thinking no way are we giving up our great table with its brilliant view. However I piped up and insisted that the group could have our table if there was another smaller one for us. There was another smaller table for us. It was very small and wobbly and tucked around the corner in the hallway just outside the toilets. The Dreaded One was not very happy.

I think The Dreaded One thinks I am nice, but a fuck up.

4 comments:

Burrd said...

Do you remember making that guy at Sounds buy me a new drink? hahhaha

Quick said...

Ha. Yes, I do remember that. I remember the way he said he was going to do it then continued talking to his mates with the hope that we were going to forget that he spilled your drink. Chump. There was no way he was not going to replace your drink.

Geoffrey said...

Dear Sir,
On behalf of Soylent Pink Pty Ltd - "Making Better Faggots" - your weblog has been brought to my attention by our PR department.
It appears that you may have most unfortunately encountered an example of our most outdated model - the 1987 UMOA Model. These models were recalled throughout the early 1990s because of a fatal design flaw in the chip that ensured they gave a flying fat duck's bumhole about anyone else.
Prior to our extensive, and expensive I might add, national recall of this model, our award-winning Product Development and Societal Enhancement Department had begun to collate incredibly distrubing facts about their appallingly rude behaviour.
We attempted to modify this chip by installing a default to this equation: equal rights to be considered as equal citizens > then when frequenting venues where the imperative is NOT to pick up ... I don't want to bore you or your readers with any further details of this complex equation. We accepted, graciously, that the system upgrade had, in fact failed.
Having said that, and in order to satisfy your curiosity, said "bumble arse" would have displayed one, some or all the following beahvioural patterns:
1. He would have thought "fuck you" and left to take a taxi to the training compound we installed some years ago called The Midnight Shift.
2. He would still have thought "fuck you" but gone to the toilets - either within the venue or without - to have sex with a complete stranger.
3. He would have gone home and logged on to gaydar.com.au and moaned to all and sundry about how his boyfriend never sticks up for him when he does something incredibly rude and idiotic in public places.
The "boyfriend" you refer to on this unfortunate occasion sounds like one of our newer models - the ISLAU Model of the early 2000s. Their development is continually compromised by their frequent association with our ealier models, something we are finding almost impossible to prevent.
On this occasion, may I offer my sincerest apologies on behalf of everyone at Soylent Pink, and my own regrets that your obvious desire to accept faggots in the public domain has been so challenged. I hope you and your friends will not find it too difficult to accept our more recent and more effectively socially programmed models in the near future.
If you would like to, I would be more than happy to buy your friends a beer.
Yours sincerely
William Geoffries
Managing Director
Soylent Pink Pty Ltd

Quick said...

That comment is really quite funny. Nice effort.