Someone recently told me that they thought my Grumpy columns were like less gay versions of David Sedaris' writing. I took this as a compliment even though at the time I'd never heard of David Sedaris. Gap in knowledge revealed, I read up. Interesting.
Recently I received a press release about David Sedaris doing a reading at (you guessed it) The Big Pointy Building.
Wanting to add to my diminutive list of international A-listers who I've interviewed such as this one and this one, as well as pretty interesting local ones like this one and this one, I thought it would be pretty cool to try to get an interview with Mr Sedaris, since he is visiting Australia.
No such luck. Apparently, according to His People, David Sedaris is not doing interviews.
David Sedaris has done interviews. I have read interviews with David Sedaris and I have heard interviews with David Sedaris and just recently David Sedaris was on The David Letterman Show... and he wasn't giving Letterman a foot massage.
The only natural conclusion? David Sedaris is scared. He lies in his bed trembling for hellishly long nights, fear sweating through his pale and pathetic skin at the prospect of being interviewed by Mee. His People should have completed their refusal by saying "David Sedaris doesn't do interviews with Lee ... because he is intimidated by Lee's towering intellect and his supranatural wit and, you know, just his general braininess and all round magnificence and feels that meeting Lee in person would cause him to do something a bit embarrassing like wee in his pants with the excitement of it all."
"Nappies."
"What?" David Sedaris' People ask, sounding a little perplexed.
"He could wear nappies. Then no one would notice that he has weed his pants."
"... Umm... no..."
"C'mon. Those slim line Huggies? No one will suspect a thing."
"No. No, we really are not going to ask David Sedaris to wear Huggies in case he wees in his pants with the excitement of meeting you, Lee. Furthermore we really don't like the slightly surreal turn this imaginary conversation has taken and would really like to terminate it now."
"Go on then."
"Well we can't, can we. It's your imaginary conversation so you have to terminate it."
"Ah ha!. So if - by your own admission - it's my imaginary conversation I could, if I wanted to, just go directly to David Sedaris and have my interview with him."
"Well... yesss. We suppose that is possible."
"Right then. Tell Sedaris to put his Huggies on and get on the line."
"One moment please..."
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3 comments:
Send the huggies in the mail! Maybe he'll see the light.. or get a restraining order against you. Either way, it makes for good writing ;)
Ha. I'm thinking about seeing him at The Big Pointy Building and throwing Huggies at him the way women used to throw undies at Tom Jones. Definitely restraining order activity.
Weirdest thing is that I saw the Letterman clip on youtube after writing this (I was too tired to stay up and watch it when it was on telly a couple of weeks back), and he's telling a story about peeing in his pants. Hang on - might post that youtube bit.
You are odd. But having just gone and re-read some of my own blog posts recently, I guess we have something in common.
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