Thursday, October 20, 2005


Another lazy post because I am tired and grumpy and I have to work. It's another of my Acid Tongue columns. Or Grumpy columns which appear in Tsunami mag. Read. Enjoy. Or not. I really don't care. (That's not true at all, I care a lot).

Oh yeah - I write as Grumpy, but I am phasing Grumpy out, I think. It's not as cool as Quick.

Okay, here's this:

I don't know who I dislike more - muscle bound roid boys or tiny weeny little dogs. There was one such overdeveloped freak in the park recently screaming at someone, threatening to leave them there if they didn't come with him this instant. The emotion in his voice indicated that they were in the process of breaking up. He was doing a kind of Stanley Kowalski, only it was Wanda instead of Stella. "WANDAAA!" Turned out Wanda wasn't a person, but a little tiny rodent dog. Even more recently I sat in the park for a quick lunch and hit of sunshine. As I sat down this little dog came running up to check what I was eating and to see if I would give her any of it. Fucking Wanda. I knew it was Wanda because the muscle guy, who I hadn't really noticed, was sitting a few metres away, and he started calling to Wanda. Gently at first: "Wandy. Come on Wandy. Wanda. Come on." Wanda wasn't budging. Wanda was just standing there staring at me with her top lip slightly curled back in what I now assume was meant to be a an irresistible little smile. I started eating and trying to ignore Wanda, who appeared to be the World Federation Canine Staring Champion. Michelin Man started yelling a bit more. "Wanda! Wanda! Leave the man alone. That's people food. He's not going to give you any, why should he? Wandy? Wanda! Wwwwwwwwaaaaaaanda! Wanda! Wandaaaa." People were turning around to look at shouty bloke, and because he was doing that emotion thing with his voice I'm sure some of them thought that he and I were having a domestic, and that Wanda was his pet name for me. I couldn't figure out why he didn't just get up and pick that damn rat up. But it was some sort of test of wills or something. Then this other rat dog comes trotting along to check out what Wanda is checking out, so there's two freaky fucking dogs an arm's length away staring me out. Like, really creepy staring. They were so close I could have reached out and squished their puny little heads between my thumb and finger. Bugger me if this wasn't Wanda's sister... "WILMA!" Fucking sensational. Now he's on at the pair of them and I'm trying to figure out why I don't just get up and leave them to it, and Michelin Man is screaming "Wandawilmawandawilmawandawilma..."

Man, huge dudes and their tiny dogs, you can have 'em.


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