Thursday, February 16, 2006

Dear Editor...

Someone called Gab said of my previous post that she... could be a he I guess... liked my treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen approach. So fuck it, I've drafted my follow up letter to the arts mag. You reckon this will win them over?

"Dear... oh, your name seems to have slipped my (rather awesome) mind for the time being. Anyway, thing is, been busy taking care of real business , as opposed to gigs like yours that are offering the kind of pocket money I find it difficult not to giggle and point at, and as a result scratching my balls has taken greater priority than dumbing down and packaging my Wilde-esque wit for the benefit of your dull readership.

You'll be thrilled to know, however, that my balls have been sufficiently scratched and I now have the few minutes required to dash off what is for me the mental equivalent of navel lint that you appear to find so mentally challenging and ultimately - once your feeble little mind has convinced itself you have a grasp of - rewarding.

I... *stifles yawn*... trust you will make enough of the fact that I am deeming it (ahem) worthy of my contributing to your pathetic little rag and have attached my latest press shot for the cover of your... presti... your... quaint little publication. (Did I neglect to mention that I am fabulously hot? I assumed you'd heard).

Dispense with the effusive gratitude because really, sweetie, it makes my skin crawl. Just do what has to be done to make this happen.

Regards, of sorts,

Quick."

Your thoughts?

8 comments:

Bird said...

job's yours love.

PS show us yer cock

phwoaaarrrrrrrrrrr

Boy Wonder said...

Wilde would be proud...

Guyana-Gyal said...

I think.

Not.

Ha. I remembered the 'not' this time.

Did you write or call?

gab said...

Haha, that’s very good. You do show promise Quick. See that gentle condescension just there? A smattering of egotism will subtly roll you up the pecking order in return for very little effort. Forget this schmoozing, ring kissing subservience to curry favour. Stride in and take the respect that is so obviously yours. Attitude baby!

You see sweetcheeks, I used to be a nice person. A long long time ago (looking whimsically into the distance). But it got me nowhere (expression turns bitter, a furrow appears between my brows). Don’t make the same mistake!

But it looks like you’re on the right track. I see you have a healthy sense of self importance. Good good. Your forceful positioning of the mag below the priority of scratching your balls was inspired and the arrogant expectation of profuse gratitude superbly rounded out a very tidy little letter. Well done.

“regards, of sorts” is quite cheeky but I’d prefer to not sign off at all, so it looks like I’m already distracted by a more interesting task before finishing the job at hand.


(the author takes no responsibility for undesirable consequences that may be tenuously linked to advice given)

Quick said...

Bird - Wot? I'm afraid you'll just have to take my word for it that she's an absolute beauty.

BW - Thank you. But of course he would have been.

GG - I wrote to them and called. She was mean't to be back in the office last Monday but now it's next Monday... unless she's telling her assistant to say she's not there when she hear's that it's me... oh dear, I think that's it... will call again on Monday and see what happens.

Gab - I think I'm seeing the world in a whole new light.

Timmy said...

Where is the pic?

bee vee vee said...

i just downloaded inner city off itunes.

oh, sorry. wrong place.

Quick said...

Indy - no pic. You're just going to have to trust me on this one.

bee vee vee - I should delete that comment on the remote possibility that it offends someone.