McNaught

Lazy post. This is my latest Grumpy column for the good people at Tsunami mag.


Grumpy

After doofing my way around the countryside recently I found myself sitting on the outdoor deck of a nice little restaurant on a quaint seaside town. As the sun sunk sleepily beyond the horizon, someone at the next table said, “Ooh, look, there it is.” Someone else at their table added a “Where? Oh there! Oh my God!” A third person chimed in with a masculine, “She’s a bloody beauty, isn’t she?” I looked over to see that they were watching a plane’s vapour trail make its way across the darkening sky. I asked if they know someone who is on it. “On what?” Masculine Man asked. “On a bloody comet?” “Fuck off,” I replied in my head, adding out loud, “That’s not a comet. It’s a plane.” They insisted that was “the comet”, and I had to admit there was a faint chance there might be a comet about because I’d been having a feral couple of weeks and maybe I didn’t know absolutely everything after all. I kept one eye on this alleged comet just in case, even though I was fairly sure I was watching Qantas 145 make its way to Perth.

Turns out there is a comet about, and being quite the cometologist, when I get back home trudge across to a nearby hill at the time the Internet has told me to and wait for the comet to make its appearance. Through expertly squinty eyes I spot the comet. Ah yes, good ol’ McNaught. There are a couple of kids and their dad looking in completely the wrong direction, so I point the comet out. Before I know what’s happened I’m embroiled in a ridiculously heated discussion about astronomy, aircraft vapour trails, ambient light, light refraction and all sort of egghead shit. With seven year olds. I say fine, look at nothing, I’m watching the comet. Minutes later there’s triumphant shouting as the kids and their dad point out a Sky Thing that totally shits all over my Sky Thing in the comet stakes, and I realise those silly bastards at the restaurant really had been looking at an aeroplane vapour trail... ha ha - stupid people.

And what’s the go with kids and their inability to win an argument graciously? What’s with all this ner ner ner ner shit? Why don’t they just grow up?

While they’re distracted by their stupid little comet, I deftly kick some dried dog poo into their pile of wind-cheaters and caps and make my way home.