Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Ula & Me: A Love Story In my Stupid Head

Today, on the other hand, did treat me nicely. I have to interview this man tomorrow, which should be fun. Impressive bastard. Makes the rest of us look like oafs.

Anyway, that was a nice assignment to get. I've read a few interviews with him now and they all have a similar feel to them. I need to come up with something different. It's the cover story for the arts section of the mag I write for.

Also, this amazing woman walked into the shop. No one all day, then right on closing this goddess called Ula walked in. Holy buckling knees, Batman. Just had one of those faces you want to look at for days. Walked in while the music was thumping and looked like she was going to melt from the psytrance hit she was getting. Said whoa this is good, and started doing a little psy stomp around the shop. I smiled and went a bit melty too. Soon we were chatting and weirdly I have been at parties she has been at in far-flung places. We talked about these little places that have great three day parties, talked about music and the scene up there and the scene down here and I was just trying to think of anything I could to say so that I could keep looking at her.

At one point I noticed that she was looking past me and at her own reflection in the mirror in the changeroom and I realised not only that she was obviously vain and knew she was stunning, but I also realised that I didn't care. In fact, suddenly vanity seemed like the most radiant of virtues.

Soon she was holding my hand quite tenderly and whispering her name hotly into my ear and telling me what a thrill it was to meet a like-minded person like me and that she could tell that I am a man of integrity and sophistication, a being forged in the heavens... "I am Ula, and I am pleased to meet you."

(Okay, so maybe she just shook my hand and introduced herself, but it's my fantasy so fuck off).

In reply, my own name dribbled from my mouth.

She said something about her boyfriend not enjoying his first psytrance party and a despondent "Oh damn" also dribbled from my mouth.

"It's okay. He enjoyed the second one a lot."

"I meant damn it's unfortunate that you have a boyfriend. That really hurts, Ula."

"But didn't you say that that woman with the amazing hair who works here sometimes is your girlfriend?"

"Did I say that? Why would I say that? She's history. She's toast. Forget about her. Forget about him. Let's just think about us. You and me."

"But I was talking to the woman with amazing hair last week and she said you you do really sweet things for her."

"She lies. Lies all the time. She's has a condition."

"She said sometimes when you get drunk late at night you write Haiku about her and email them to her."

"Pfft. As if."

"She said it's pretty bad Haiku..."

"She said that?"

"Yes, but she said it made it all the more endearing."

"See thing is, Ula, I would write wonderful Haiku for you.
Haiku that would win
All of the Haiku compet
Itions round the world."

"Wow. That was really bad. Really really bad."

"I can improve. Be my muse?"

"You know - you're starting to weird me out a little."

"No I'm not. You love me Ula. Don't deny it."

"I don't love you and please stop licking my elbows."

"Don't run away Ula. Come back... come back... back... ack... ck..."

I turned around and I swear to God this other woman appeared out of thin air. Like, nothing, then Kazang! A woman! It was awesome.

"How'd you do that?" I asked, looking around for signs of a magician.

"Do what?" she asked wearily.

"Appear out of thin air like that. Are you a fairy Godmother or something?"

"I was here all along."

"No you weren't."

"Yes I was. I'm Ula's friend. I saw and heard the whole sorry thing. Dag."

"Nononono. There was just me and Ula... and rolling fields of wildflower... and a rainbow... and a unicorn. Not another living soul."

"This shit happens all the time. Whenever I'm with Ula and a male it's like I become invis -"

Kazang! No woman! Just rolling fields of wildflower and a rainbow and that unicorn and...

"Ula! My love! You've come back!"

"Ah crap," came a disembodied voice that sounded kind of familiar. "Come on Ula. Let's blow this popsickle joint. This guy's a loser."

Ula picked up the bag she'd forgotten to grab during her hasty departure and left.

The End.

6 comments:

EmmaK said...

Ha, ha, great story. It is so true what you say though, when we are entranced by someone we always come up with good excuses for their faults. He's so dumb but sometimes you don't need someone intellectually challenging you know? or in your case, that you knew Ula was vain but you didn't care.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Was she real? I mean, did a gorgeous woman like her really walk into the store? This reminds me of my cuz. She makes up stuff about cute guys, for fun, of course.

Zoomfreaky said...

:)) Got sucked in the fantasy of you and Ula en just for the fun of it replaced you and her, by me and a certain someone... And it still ended the same...:)
Think we are kindred spirits...may I hold your hand an dribble ... words in your ear...:)
Lovely story Quick...now I'm really curious what angle you got for your interview after writing this.
Thanx for dropping by. Always makes me smile to see a comment with your name on top.

Quick said...

Thanks Emma, GG and Zoomy.

In reality the vanity thing would become annoying, but in that small dose it was kind of endearing and given the choice of looking at me or her reflection while talking to me, I completely understood.

Yes Guyana Gyal, she is real. Her name is Ula, she really is quite gorgeous and confident and has a really radiant personality. I wasn't quite the dribbling twat that I wrote here though, it was just a normal chat and I'm pretty sure we'll be stomping on a dancefloor pretty soon. She loves the shop and asked if there was any chance working for us and I only briefly considererd quitting to make room for her :)

Hello Ms Freaky. Good to hear from you. Wasn't sure if you still dropped by. And the interview was interesting. The guy is amazingly talented and I had all these silly questions ready because he is big into humour, but it became obvious very quickly that he takes humour quite seriously and I ditched the silly questions in favour of intelligent ones. I'll still have fun with the finished product. I listened to it last night and it went pretty well. Last one went well but I forgot to turn the recorder on.

Kathryn said...

Hello, good stuff here. I liked the haiku part. Feel a bit bad about the invisible girl as I do know what it's like to be that girl! Sounds like you'll be seeing Ula round the shop again at least!

Quick said...

Hello Kathryn. I think most of us become invisible in the company of others at times.

Ula has become something of a running joke now. Like, if it's impossible to get the lid off a jar or something, I give up and get all dreamy and say to my girlfriend something daft like "I bet Ula could get the lid off the jar."