A Star Is Born

I was supposed to work on a story today, but I wrote this instead. It's my next Grumpy column for a magazine in Queensland. Enjoy.


Grumpy

I fucking love it when inspiration falls with a splat right at your feet. Just the other night I was dicking with the telephone adapter and recorder, trying to figure out where all the bits go. It’s a dead easy process that involves pulling one plug out and putting another in, but remembering which plug and which socket is the complicated part because they all look the same. This has happened before when there has been pressure on with the interviewee having promised to call back in five minutes. Tension. Sweat. No time for mistakes. I do the switch and pick up the phone. No tone. Damn. MacGyver goes back in...

Erm... anyway, I was doing my MacGyver routine when the line from a really bad movie drifted in from the telly in the other room. It was a disaster (of a) movie about great big storms and Brian Dennehy was chewing out his staff because they hadn’t shouted “Run for your lives – it’s a great big storm and it’s heading right for us!” early enough. He totally bawled them out with this bit of poetry: “People DIED because we didn’t do our job properly. Now from now on if a dawg farts in Duluth, I wanna know about it!”

I put down my confusion of plugs and sockets because here was inspiration. This was my lucky break. You see, recently I started playing a male nurse on a popular hospital drama. I’m an extra, Ricky Gervais stylee. And my inspiration is to fast track my acting career. When I’m on the set next week, I’m going to shake shit up. I’m going to take things into my own hands. As a good friend encouraged, I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna own it!

When the director says action, this extra is going to seize the day. I’m going to stride over to the main characters just as they’re about to deliver their lines. I’m going to silence them with a raised hand, and I’m going to stun all on set with my awesome (if startling) acting skills.

“People DIIIIIED!” I’m going to snarl in my Brian Dennehyiest voice as I thrust my finger into the head doctor’s chest. “You wanna know why they died? They died because WE... you and me... and her... all of us here in this emergency room... WE didn’t do our job properly. Now from now on, if a dawg so much as farts in Duluth, I wanna know about it! Am I making myself perfectly fuck-in’ clear?”

Ah, sweet inspiration. This extra is going places.