Saturday, December 03, 2005

A List Of All The Things I Hate About Christmas

1. All of them. There are no redeeming features whatsoever.

2. See above.

That was the shortest and most efficient way of doing it. Trust me. There is not one thing about Christmas that I like. The overall aesthetic is ugly in the extreme, the ritual of lying to the children about the existence of that generous fat bastard and his gang of gnomes or whatever they are is illogical in the extreme - do you ever think they get over the fact that you lied to them about Christmas and the tooth fairy and the rabbit and all the rest? No fucking way. They spend the rest of their lives wondering what else you've been lying to them about... and in much the same way that families raised in an atmosphere of violence re-create that very atmosphere of violence with their own families, Children Of The Christmas Deceit go on to lie to their own children, thus perpetuating the whole sorry cycle. Thank god some of us manage to break the cycle.

As for the "ooh but it gives us an excuse to get together with love ones" brigade... blow me. If you loved 'em so much you would have been in touch through the year more often and you wouldn't have that knot of dread siting in your stomach over the confrontation that is Christmas Dinner. You wouldn't be wondering how long you can put off the conflict between you and your mother that you know is going to happen. And it will happen.

Thing is, I don't think I'm alone in my seething contempt for Christmas. No one really enjoys it. Or do they?


Anonymous said...

While my feet are both firmly planted in the bah-humbug camp, I was unwittingly caught up in some christmas festivities on Friday night. And I’m not talking about kiddies getting excited at the sight of some fat prick perpetuating the lies at a shopping centre. Nay! These were grown adults indulging in a sick sick fantasy. Harry Conick Jr’s christmas cheer was belting out of the stereo, christmas decorations were wheeled out of the spare room (yes they are boxes so large as to require wheels), fucking antlers were donned! I knocked off a plate of rumballs to dull the pain but it didn’t help much. I was reduced to hiding out in the bait barn for half an hour and calling out ‘I’ve got a tummy ache” occassionally to stop these mad people from harrassing me. Let me divulge a few more details of the scene. There was a quartet of soft toys who played christmas songs on their little plastic instruments, there were big gold reindeer (artfully arranged into coital positions when people weren’t looking), there were teddy bears reading christmas stories, reindeer puppets, talking tree decorations, Mariah’s christmas fucking yodelling, oh the humanity!

What makes good people go bad? I’m thinking this christmas affliction is something like a virus where venturing out to the shops in December will either infect you with the pox or give you super immunity, such as I have. Maybe there’s a market for festive season innoculations?

Anonymous said...

christmas is shit. People top themselves because of it. i hate it.

Anonymous said...