Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Tuna Man

I've been doing the shopping by myself because The Dreaded One works such long hours at the moment, and something happens when I wander the aisles of the supermarket alone.

I decide it's way too hot to cook, so I'll throw together a tuna salad, which involves shopping for bits like good fetta cheese, plump olives, an assortment of vegies, and the tuna. The tuna involves an encounter with the kind of guy who you can tell just by sneaking a look at him believes in aliens and wizards. I'm standing there looking at the tins of tuna, and there's a kind of vibe about him and I just know he's going to say something to me. I'm about to reach for a tin of tuna and get the hell out of there when he says, "Uh uh."

I sneak a look at him. Oh yeah - alien dude all right. Thing is though, I pause because he disapproves of my choice of tuna. What's that all about?

"That's the best brand of tuna," he tells me, "but over here, now this is even better."

Oh God. Why me?

"You see..."

Oh fucking bring it on. Whatever.

"I've found they've stopped putting enough oil in the brand you were about to choose. This one has more oil. And you know what else?" he says too enthusiastically, like he's letting me in on some long guarded secret. "The weight varies from can to can. You can feel the weight, and the heavier ones are the ones with more oil in them. You have to be careful about these things."

Then the fucker stands there waiting to see which can of tuna I go for. I pick up one of his brand and feel the weight, and he nods to himself and moves off, satisfied that his work here is done. Like, what the fuck? For a start I'm not buying a can of oil, I'm buying a can of fucking fish. And where does some freaky alien wizard dude get off having the power to make me change my mind?

In an act of rebellion, I put HIS tuna right the fuck BACK and I pick up a tin of MY tuna.

And feel very nervous in the checkout queue in case he catches me red-handed with the wrong tuna.

1 comment:

Pisser said...

It's the wrong tuna, Gromit...and it's gone WRONG-!

Sounds like the Fancy Feast lady I met. We had an extensive conversation about wet cat food. There but for the grace of God go I.